Written by Thibarine
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Topics: X-Factor, Elton John

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

image for Elton John slams X Factor Contest as "Mind Numbingly, Arse Paralysingly Boring" Before Racing to Bank Royalty Cheques From the X Factor Elton John Weekend.
It's uncanny; Wagner Carrilho is the spitting image of a young Elton John.

International superstar was bored out of his mind waiting ages at the Abbey National as the cashier struggled to count all the money.

Sir Elton John has lambasted TV song contests after turning down the chance to become a judge on American Idol. In a recent interview he singled out The X Factor for churning out uninspiring acts that all sounded the same. However, that didn't stop him from authorising the use of his back catalogue for the Elton John special. He later threatened to call in his lawyers after Louis Walsh described wizened Wagner Carrilho as a "young Elton".

In a shock result, Aiden "Serial Killer Eyes" Grimshaw looked stricken as he found himself in the bottom two alongside permanent resident Katie Waissel, while bulletproof Brazilian Wagner sailed through to the next round. Wagner was furious after his grand entrance was ruined because the planned fairytale carriage was too heavy for the stage. Backstage staff placated him by promising him he could dress up as Father Christmas if he made the finals, complete with a couple of dancers on his knee.

The judging panel was in uproar as usual, with Dannii Minogue snapping her fingers in Louis Walsh's face whenever he spoke. Cheryl Cole tried to draw the spotlight to herself with a bizarre Princess Leia hairstyle made from two Bath buns, as Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell bickered aimlessly like David Haye and Fraudley Harrison. Challenged by Dannii to name the members of his act, Simon responded: "Hmm. Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Ropey and, er - Leona."

Poor Aiden lost out to teflon Katie despite goose-stepping round the stage in an anguished rendition of "Rocket Man". He was later found in a pub with Matt Cardle, staring into a beer and keeping away from sharp objects.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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