Written by matthatt
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Monday, 15 November 2010

image for New mothers feel baby weight loss pressure from celebrities.
Another celeb mum banging on about shit.

More than half of new mothers said they felt under pressure to bounce back to their pre-baby weight 'overnight' after seeing celeb mums looking camera-ready shortly after having a baby, a survey found.

Model Heidi Glum, 37, was back on the catwalk just six weeks after the birth of her fourth child last year and verbally taunted poor women in the audience by calling them fatty fatty fat fat whilst swinging her long bony hips at them.

Actresses Holly Berry, 44, and Jennifer Slopehead, 41, both lost weight soon after having a baby and drove around Hollywood in open topped limousines, in hipster jeans, yelling weight related expletives at any women who looked overweight and a bit down at heal, especially if they were obviously mothers.

A special watch group has been set up to protect common women from these emaciated celebrity harridans. One women who wished to remain nameless for fear of skinny rich bitch reprisals said 'I don't feel safe to go out now, every time I do I get followed by a Tori Spilling or Julia Goberts who point at my uneven surfaces in front of others.'

…another young mum said…

'I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to lose weight as my daughter is almost two years old now but I am still five stone overweight,' said Gwendoline Drab, 28, from Crapton upon Wattle, who was one of 6,000 mothers who took part in the Netmums and Royal College of birthing and vaginal husbandry survey.

'If the likes of Toss Daily and Helly Wallaby can get back to pre-pregnancy size in weeks with nothing more than a team of helpers, baby minders, fitness instructors, dieticians, chefs and unlimited cash resources, why can't I, while I single handedly look after my three overly demanding children, exacerbated by the E-numbers and additives coursing through their hyperactive systems while advertising on the TV tells them they want more stuff but when they do get it, are left unfulfilled by the pervading vacuousness that a consumer driven society instils in them and their three second attention span, all financed by welfare benefit alone? I just don't know how celebs do it!'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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