Written by Charpa93
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Thursday, 11 November 2010

image for Shaman Quits After Gosselin House Cleansing Goes Horribly Wrong
Blossom River-Crossings re-focusing after Kate Gosselin fiasco.

Blossom River-Crossings has been a practicing Shaman for over twenty years, having helped many affluent families on the eastern seaboard clear negative energy from themselves and their homes. She has been called a miracle worker by many.

So, it is a surprise that she was unable to help the Gosslin family get the relief they needed from negative energy that seemed to engulf their home. In fact, Dr. River-Crossings admits that this particular house cleansing may have actually made the situation at the Gosselin household worse, not better.

Asked what it was specifically that spelled doom for this house cleansing, Dr. River-Crossings stated "It wasn't just one thing, but several different things. For one, right off the bat, Kate asked if I did windows. Obviously, she was uneducated in the ways of a shamanic house cleansing and needed to be taught exactly what the process encompassed. Ms. Gosselin was not happy when she was told that not only do I not do windows, but that I don't do any physical house cleaning of any sort."

But the real trouble began when the various spirit guides and power animals Dr. River-Crossings called upon to help her in the cleansing of the Gosselin household refused to cooperate. "There I was, burning sweet grass wand in hand. I had finally convinced Kate that the smell of the smoke from the smudge stick would not linger in her draperies, when my bear totem became enraged, knocking my hand and causing me to flick ashes on the hardwood floor. You'd have thought I'd just burnt her home down."

River-Crossings claims that Kate uttered a few choice words while grabbing the smudge stick from her hand and in doing so, created an energy shift so strong that all the spirit guides immediately vanished, refusing to come back and help with the cleansing.

Dr. River-Crossings left the home, unable to finish the cleansing or perform a blessing that might have left some positive energy behind. Instead, Kate has had one of the worst weeks of her life, with two of her children getting expelled from school, and having to deal with being publicly called a child abuser by actor Eric Roberts, not to mention ratings of her reality show falling through the floor.

Asked if she has any plans to undo the damage left by the last Shaman healer, Kate had only this to say, "Look, I've been through 12 nannies. I'll go through that many or more Shamans until I get one who can not only reverse my bad fortune but can also do the dishes and put the kids down for their nap without whining about it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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