Written by Neil Levine
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Wednesday, 13 July 2005

image for Dummy Keeps Mouth Shut; Outsmarts Hillary Clinton
How Not To Respond to Biting Attacks

In a chillingly calculated Act of political gall and official bravado, Hillary (Rodman) Clinton has brazenly attacked Alfred E. Newman, the "Mad Magazine" mascot, quasi ideal icon to so many comic book educated international youth, based on the cynical pseudo philosophical premise that she can hammer away mercilessly at his plastic head, without worrying about any smart alecky retorts, liberally scoring partisan brownie points without worrying about the poor symbol of commercial sappiness being able to do much in response. After all, he is the epitome of a verbally challenged dolt. A placid fool who never worries about a fig. A man who is not even a man. Perfect for Hill to manhandle, hustle and bamboozle.


But even though he is not the most glib of people, Alfred E., the man with Feckless Freckles, the face that launched a thousand quips, as he is affectionately described by his legions of adoring fans, has mounted a needed self-defense of sorts, "It doesn't really pay to go for her jugular kind of humor since I would be hitting a woman in an insensitive spot but I can defend myself. I can stand up too, tell jokes and be counted. My demographics are as good or better than hers and I have a lock on the wild, carefree, I don't care about money male ego."


"Hillary can't say that."


"I may not be a match to Roust The Hill, who is a past master at the trough of political jive but I can make calls, private, public, wireless, internet, whatever, talk is talk and its free on the internet, surcharges excluded, and expose her for what she is: a craven bully of a cynical media manipulator masquerading as a defenseless woman."


"She can scratch. She can bite. She can invoke Claus and can dish the dirt with the rest of the gritty girls and give away what suits her fancy but I'm not falling for a woman with that kind of reputation."


"Don't believe that for a second that she is not underneath all the heavy make-up and breathing in those stiff pant suits and is not an inveterate, politicized battle hardened Amazondotcom book flipper and ebay auction warrior not given to losing a bidding war. And whose only real human skill is web surfing chicanery."


"Hill has a record of clicking on the links of others and calling them her own personal victories while cattily skirting any meaningful interchange of polite euphemisms."


"She is not what she seems and it is not worth my while to Hit the Hill and Win a Prize. I have my Standards and Practices. She is "divisive," "childish" and insufferably "mawkish." She is, in a Word, a Loser and should be treated as such. I refuse to be cowed a wit.


Then he shut up again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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