Written by Mark Lowton
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Monday, 8 September 2003

image for Record Company's New Money Spinner
Corporate Bastards

EMI, the record label behind so many great artists such as Billy Joel, M People and Robbie Williams have recently won a court case that will change the world forever! The case was unprecidented, but EMI have promised "there'll be plenty more to follow".

It's no secret that record companies are losing money hand-over-fist through sophisticated piracy methods. There have been many attempts to irradicate piracy but as any historian will be able to tell you, where there's a will, there's a way, and pirates will always get around it.

So, rather than trying to force people to buy their merchandise, EMI are going to start charging royalties for anyone found whistling, humming, singing or playing a rendition of any of their songs.

Anyone discovered performing in public without having paid royalties will be sued for damages.

The first case resulted in Miss Wilson paying EMI £2,500 damages, and picking up the £32,000 bill for legal fees, which would have been paid for by her legal firm claiming a no-win-no-fee system, had they not gone bust 2 hours before the verdict was announced.

EMI are predicting the new measures will rake in more than triple the typical sales revenue from before the profits slump.

So beware no-one from EMI's behind you next time you're whistling a tune at work. You could have a hefty fine on your hands.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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