Los Angeles- Barry M. Meyer, CEO of Warner Brothers, held a press conference today to announce the upcoming release of what is believed to be the most expensive movie ever made, Hobbit with the Harry Potter Tattoo.
Meyer explained thusly, "We already make Harry Potter movies and we own New Line Cinema, makers of The Hobbit adaptation, so it makes sense to combine the two franchises. That gives us a lock on the family audiences. The R-rated market is smaller, so it wasn't too hard to get Sony to give us the rights to the much anticipated remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. So we get both audiences. It will be tough, combing the childlike wonder of fantasy worlds with the hard-edged violence and serial killings of Dragon Tattoo. But I think we've got it licked, thanks to the best efforts of several screenwriters whose names I can't remember.
"You have to wait till Thanksgiving for a new Harry Potter, while fantasy nerds have been waiting decades for The Hobbit. And so forth. This way, you don't have to wait anymore, or ever again." The eloaborate film is expected to run 16 1/2 hours.
Meyer was mum on story details, but information has been leaking out online for weeks. The storyline is a mishmash of the second half of the final Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the first three chapters of J.R.R. Tolkein's The Hobbit, and the bare bones of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, the runaway bestseller by Swedish union leader Stieg Longstockinsson. In short, a brooding female Goth hobbit becomes mixed up with Harry Potter, who's been four years in juvie hall on a trumped up libel charge created by a muggle conspiracy. The two track down a talking dragon, Smaug, who's been torturing and slaughtering the denizens of Middle Earth and taking their gold.
Some are already questioning whether the mixture will work. Controversy is expected to surround the scene in which Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) takes revenge on the professor (Alan Rickman) who abused him by shoving a Quidditch broom up the professor's ass. "The scene is quite graphic," reports Internet geek Harry Knowles, "and may be too intense for young children." And feminists are already in an uproar over a subplot in which Harry's friend Hermione is sold into white slavery and winds up a coke-addicted stripper in Bangkok. Rumor has it that actress Emma Watson refused to do the nudity required for the scene until Meyer blackmailed her with old photographs of her partying on the town with the kid who played Malcolm in the Middle. Asked to explain his shady behavior, Meyer erupted, "Shut up, you elitist Eastern swine! I've been blackmailing innocent starlets for years and I will continue to do so!" before regaining his composure.
The film's dicey content is expected to further upset the fundamentalist groups who have boycotted Harry Potter in the past. Such factions are a sore spot for Meyer, whose father Marvin A. Meyer, a television executive, was killed when one such group firebombed CBS offices over the risqué content of the show Petticoat Junction. Asked if he had anything to say to these fundamentalists, Meyer responded, "You're all a bunch of corn-eating losers," only to have Alan F. Horn, President of Warner Brothers cut in and say, "Actually, we're quite appreciative of the input of such groups. And we're throwing a bone to them by including a climactic cameo by Aslan, the God-like lion from the Narnia movies. We're sure this will placate everybody, no matter how prudish or irrational." Yet even this attempt has already backfired on the studio, since purists recently objected when the part of Aslan was played a mangy hyena rescued from a dump in downtown Burbank, where it was scavenging for dead rats. These purists insist that Aslan can only be played by a majestic lion, as portrayed in the book. Asked about this, Horn snapped, "Lion, hyena, who gives a damn! If you want to be exactly like the book, then you can stay home and read the damn book!"
The female hobbit is played by Miley Cyrus, who made herself look half her usual size by crawling on her knees. But Cyrus walked off the set in a salary dispute before her final scenes could be shot. Meyer assured this would not be a problem. "Hobbits are quite hairy, and you can barely tell the females apart from the males. So we had a wide range of short actors to choose from. In the end we were able to shoot the remaining scenes, which are romantic scenes and quite steamy, by using a bearded dwarf from the circus."
Meyer concluded, "We expect this movie to be so complex and earth-shaking, it will complete satiate the fondest wishes of movie lovers everywhere. After this movie is released, there'll be no need to watch another movie again. Which means we'll basically be closing shop. DVDs will cease to be produced as well. But it'll be well worth it to bring such happiness to people everywhere."