Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 11 December 2010

image for Cheryl Cole and Derek Hough To Star With Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart In "Vampires Of The La Brea Tar Pits"
Kristen Stewart portraying Unibella Fritch. (Photo courtesy of Carrie Underwood).

HOLLYWOOD - Academy Award winning producer Fanton Brasshorn has just announced that he will soon begin production on his latest film Vampires Of The La Brea Tar Pits.

The film will be a Cripple Creek Pictures movie production in association with The Lions Face Motion Picture Company.

Brasshorn says that the movie will star Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart along with Derek Hough and Englishwoman Cheryl Cole.

Pattinson will portray Vardamar Mountbatten Exalted Ruler of the Demonic Vampire Demons of Greater Bukovina. Derek Hough will star as his second cousin twice removed (once forcibly) Angus Carpetsteen, Consorter of Callous Consortresses of The Chilling Chalice.

Brasshorn stated that when he first read the screenplay he instantly knew that he wanted Hough to portray the part of Angus Carpetsteen, and not just because Derek is blonde, handsome, and can do the cha cha cha, the samba, the rumba, and the Argentine tango better than 99 percent of all professional dancers.

Kristen Stewart will portray Unibella Fritch, Sultana of The Southward Bound Birds and Empress of The Erotically Erotic Emu Breeders.

And Derek Hough's girlfriend Cheryl Cole will star as Simone Singsong, Scantily Clad Seductress of Bats, Ravens, Crows, and Hummingbirds.

The movie will be filmed on location in Sighisoara, Transylvania. Brasshorn has revealed that he has attained the services of Justin Bieber and Kara DioGuardi to write the film's musical score.

Noted Hollywood hair stylist FuFi Fondue will do all of the cast members hair and Christina Aguilera's personal manicurist Wildflower Donnerdinkle will do everyone's nails including the catering service employees from Food "Is" Us.

SIDENOTE: The Brasshorn film Vampires of The La Brea Tar Pits is not to be confused with the 1947 Columbus Fannywicker film of the same name which starred Erastus Muskmelon, IV; Calorosa Crumpetburger; and the Dancerfickle triplets Walla Walla, Chattanooga, and Missoula.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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