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Sunday, 7 November 2010

image for X-Factor - "American Anthems My Arse!" - Local Man Fumes
Below Decks - A Proper American Anthem

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, a pork pie hat wearing ignoramus for the most part was left hopping mad Saturday as he settled down with long suffering wife, Anne, and a case of yellow Belgian lemonade to watch the live X-Factor show.

With a theme devoted to 'American Anthems.'

As the show kicked off with alleged rat faced pikey bully Cher Lloyd singing Jay Z and Alicia Keys' 'Empire State Of Mind' Shuttlecock immediately grew concerned.

He explained that he's been to New York, but that he didn't at any stage hear anybody singing, humming, or playing 'Empire State Of Mind' anywhere in the city. So he was wondering how the song could be considered to be an 'American Anthem'?

Simon Cowell was equally unimpressed, describing the performance as "copycat."

Then things got worse, at least as far as Shuttlecock was concerned. Irish diva 'Tesco' Mary Byrne, looking seriously unhappy with her lot, treated the audience to her version of 'There You'll Be.'

A crap song from the box office flop movie 'Pearl Harbour.'

Hardly an American anthem. It didn't seem to do Mary any favours either. But then, Shuttlecock reasoned, if Louis Walsh, the drooling eejit considers it to be an American anthem, then it probably is.

Shuttlecock almost went into meltdown as Katie Waissel came on and croaked out 'Don't Speak' by No Doubt, originally sung by Gwen Stefani. Not a bad song in Shuttlecock's opinion, but an American anthem? Yes, Shuttlecock could imagine Americans holding back tears as that particular American 'anthen' played. Growing increasingly furious, Shuttlecock cracked another can of amber lemonade and grumpily awaited the next abortion.

Aiden bloody Grimshaw - the serial song killer.

Prince's 'Nothing Compares 2 U' - a hit for Sinead O'Connor back in the day, but hardly likely to feature strongly on the juke box of the Lenox Lounge on Lenox Avenue, just off 125th Street in Harlem.

Shuttlecock raged to Anne that the best bloody place for Aiden Grimshaw would in fact be Harlem, late on a Saturday night. Dressed in Klan robes. That'd sort him. Sift his ashes, so to speak.

Shuttlecock's agony continued as Paije Richardson plopped out 'I'm A Believer' by the Monkees, Rebecca Ferguson, sweetly singing Feel My Love' - which was nice, but hardly likely to bring a Superbowl audience to their feet in an outbreak of patriotic fervour.

Then Wagner.

OMG - an Elvis mash up of 'Viva Las Vegas' and 'The Wonder Of You' - delivered in an impenetrable Brazilian accent. Holy Christ - pass the fucking cyanide. I need it now.

Some form of salvation arrived in the shape of Matt Cardle, who strained his nuts as well as his vocal cords with an inspirational rendition of Roberta Flack's 'The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face'

But an American anthem?

Treyc Cohen, the pocket rocket Brummie came next with a fair shot at Aerosmith's 'Don't Wanna miss A Thing' - again, hardly an American 'anthem.'

Then Shuttlecock went a bit mental as Simon Cowbell's boy band One Direction launched into Kim Wilde's 'Kids In America' - which apparently nobody in America has ever heard of.

Again, hardly qualifying it as an American 'anthem.'

A furious Shuttlecock told SEN:

"What a load of old fucking shite. I could have gone down the pub instead. Nothing wrong with the performers - except Wagner and Aiden Grimshaw - it's the fucking judges! What a bunch of cunts! American anthems my arse! When I think of American anthems, I think of Elvis, the Beach Boys, the Four Seasons, Sinatra, Motown, Stax, Dean Martin, Jimi Hendrix, the Doors, not that load of old bollocks."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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