In an announcement today that shocked the planet, Roman Catholic Virgin Katie Holmes and her lover Tom Cruise said that their wedding may happen sooner than had previously been expected, due to a turn of completely unexpected events.
"World," said Katie, teary-eyed, "we're pregnant."
Tom immediately corrected her and said, "Actually, I had nothing to do with it." Then in a narrative which described the most shocking chapter of this couple's lives (if not of all of Show Business), Katie recalled how a shining angel came to her with the news. Tom jumped up and down as he told how the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard himself, appeared to him and told him not to be afraid to take Katie as his wife. "He said that the baby, the one in Katie, is from him!" said Cruise emphatically. "He said the baby would save the world, just like me in the War of the Worlds!"
A fan replied, "It was actually the microbes that saved the world."
After darting his eyes around him, Cruise simply said, "You're a jerk."
Fans are convinced this is an immaculate conception, although some of the critics think that playing in murderous and risqué movies and soap operas isn't quite an attribute of immaculacy.
"I'm so glad," said Katie. "I'm finally and totally and amazingly gladly convinced that Scientology can be reconciled with Catholicism. So we're gonna get married real soon."
"I'm glad too," said Tom, after French-kissing his fiancée. "I really felt bad, forcing and coercing her into becoming a Scientologist, and yet giving no thought to her religion. After Father Hubbard appeared to me, I know I can accept her beliefs."
Tom also discussed a canonization bid he is planning on sending to the Vatican. "I think this qualifies as a miracle. I was really ticked me off when Katie first told me she was pregnant, so I started appealing directly to L. Ron. I was saying ‘she's a jerk, she's a jerk, Ron.' And suddenly there he is with some new version of Dianetics in his hands. He said that after discarding his body, he really has been making progress in his higher level spiritual research, and needs to share it with the world, but unfortunately his old body is kind of unusable. So he caused Katie to conceive." Here Cruise French-kissed Katie again.
"Yeah, he should definitely qualify for sainthood," she said.
"And so will we, some day," Tom said.
"We are so privileged, and just thrilled Father Hubbard chose us!" exclaimed Holmes.