Written by Erskin Quint
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Thursday, 4 November 2010

image for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Are Forever
The Tomb Shall Not Contain Them: Much Wenlock Churchyard Yesterday

There's nothing fake or ephemeral about fey children of the night star-crossed vampyre couple Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, says Celebrity Matchmaker Titti Banger, writes Carrie N Crowe, Recycled Neo-Gothic Farrago Correspondent.

Millionairess Banger, 56, who owns hit Satellite Channel, Lobotomy TV, predicted that the feral faery favourites would last "as long as they make these movies". Banger, who also revealed in the interview with Preposterous Magazine that she had got rid of her stress by keeping an okapi and adopting a Two-Headed Ethiopian Baby, has high hopes for the world's most popular nubile nosferatu:

"These two are gonna last. So long as they make these movies, they'll be around this vampire scene - they've got good bad vibes. And such energy they have. They're hitting it at on the down low like Chateau Marmont in at on the little bungalows in back. I've seen them at it. They're in at on the down low. Such energy they have. These two are gonna make it down and through. They're hitting it at like Chateau Marmont in these luxury bungalows in back. Don't you think my okapi looks like Barbara Streisand? That's for why I name her Yentl already. No, that's a picture of my mother, the okapi's on the wall."

And Titti Banger may well be correct in her optimistic preternatural prognostications. For yours truly has been speaking to a musical expert who has a fascinating tale to tell that is totally in tune with Ms Banger, as she has been singing a song from the same faded Gothic hymnsheet in fact.

The expert, Camilla Ruthven-Westenra, Professor of Secular Polyphonic Vocal Music of the Early Italian Trecento Period at Rottingdean University, told me yesterday that she knows very little, if anything, about the Twilight movies or their gorgeous, balefully-wasted co-stars.

"I know very little, if anything, about the Twilight movies or their gorgeous, balefully-wasted co-stars", Professor Ruthven-Westenra told me yesterday. "However, I have recently made the acquaintance, through a mutual crucifixion fetish, of Myfanywy Clitburglar, a dominatrix who owns the farm next door to the bohemian apartment near Much Wenlock, Shropshire, where Robert and Kristen like to spend so much of their precious time off from filming.

"And", continued the expert in 13th century Italian vocal music, "last week, during a particularly exciting Roman Execution Re-enactment in Shropshire, Myfanywy Clitburglar convinced me that Robert Pattinson and undying undead lover Kristen Stewart will live together forever, which is very much in the classic gothic hematodipsiac tradition of the literature.

"It seems", revealed Professor Ruthven-Westenra, as she played with her pan-seared water-vole at Rottingdean's chic Rongeurs de Raymonde restaurant where I met her yesterday, "it would seem that Robert Pattinson is something of an aspiring musician. Now this in itself would not point to immortality, but soft. Let me evince the thesis which I posit.

"We were scourging a nude girl in Myfanywy Clitburglar's reproduction tythe barn, when she told me that Robert is simply obsessed with writing songs. Has been for years, which is nice. The issue is, that Robert is also very slow to write his ditties. It would only be marginally flippant to say that we are talking in terms of geological time-scales in this regard.

"His first song, called Thinking Is So Hard And Complicated, took him 12 years to write, as he spent 11 years trying to find a word that rhymed with 'complicated'. It was Robert and Kristen's musician friend, Edmundo Ross, who helped Robert make the breakthrough on this song, by suggesting that 'omelette-weighted' was not a suitable rhyme, and that Robert should abandon altogether the idea of building the song around a series of rhymes for the word 'complicated'.

"After all this, Robert was very tired, but he has started to write a second song, which he has been writing for 3 years now. This is called 'Antimacassars and Hatstands'. Robert hopes this song will have lots of gloomy Edwardian atmosphere, though he has only written the title so far.

"Robert is desperate to complete this second song, so that he will then have two songs which he has written all by himself, apart from having some inspiration from the Latin-American Rhythm King Edmundo Ross. He hopes to be able to play these songs to Kristen on their antique spinnet, as they enjoy a musical soiree at their bohemian Much Wenlock retreat. Both Robert and Kristen think the spinnet will add plenty of gothic atmosphere to their evening.

"Robert also keeps a personal diary, as he believes that a diary can show a person how that person's personality changes over time. This, he hopes, will help him express himself further through song-writing.

"It is through all this creative endeavour that Robert Pattinson hopes to attain immortality. For - as he has told Myfanywy, while he and Kristen were palely loitering and pallidly lingering and painfully languishing in Much Wenlock's Holy Trinity Churchyard one misty Thursday and Myfanywy was passing through, driving her Pedigree Sebastopol Geese to Much Wenlock Farmers Market - he believes that he will be remembered as an artist after he has died, through the power of his songs.

"He clearly believes that he and Kristen will live on for ever in this way - he through his songs and Kristen through being his lover and muse and also for being eternally constipated. Robert once had a vision, in which he saw Heaven, and Heaven was full of chic constipated angels with sullen, soured milk expressions just like his pouting partner's."

Carrie N Crowe says:

So Twilight's Twi-Hards can rest easy. Their idols will live on and on. It's not just that the movies seem to last for ever, or that we seem to have been waiting for an infinite amount of time for something interesting to happen to Robert and Kristen. Though all this is certainly true.

They really will be around for the duration. I can't wait. Really, I can't wait. I have to move to Albania.

Make Erskin Quint's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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