Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 3 November 2010

image for Mariah Carey Appears on Lopez Tonight Topping 200 Pounds
Artist's rendering

Mariah Carey must have been booked for the George Lopez Show months in advance, so much so that a cancellation breach of that particular appearance contract must have been too expensive to bear. The husky Carey waddled on stage to fill up the guest chair as if nothing had changed, especially the love affair with herself.

Normally bad form to pick on a mother with child, but this was not a matter of putting on a couple of extra pounds during the pregnancy. Mariah had clearly been enjoying both Ben and Jerry on a routine basis whenever she wasn't with her husband. If you're eating another one's "frozen man cream", is that cheating?

The appearance would have been softened had she worn the right clothes, made a brief self effacing joke about her size, like she was thinking about trying out as a linebacker for the 49ers, but no. It would be a very low V cut dress this evening to make sure you could get a side shot of her growing milkers.

No word if she did manage to sign an advance contract with the Subway Corporation, taking over for the now famous Jared, though insiders tell us that she is in negotiations with McDonalds Corporation for a custom delivery service. Apparently the technology does now exist to keep the fries or chips for our British friends, piping hot in transit. Apart from franchising the delivery service, Carey will expect her personal service to continue.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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