Circumstances have finally brought a fitting end to all the "Demi Lovato's vagina killed Paul The Psychic Octopus" stories on TheSpoof, and this respite is brought to you by the Multinational corporation that brought you train wrecks Britney Spears (Mickey Mouse Club), Bobby Driscoll (Song of the South) and Lindsay Lohan (The Parent Trap): Demi Lovato, in 'Why I Quit The Jonas Brothers Tour and Went To Rehab'.
Indeed, Demi Lovato has bailed on an international concert tour with the Jonas Brothers and has checked into a drug treatment center to seek help for "emotional and physical issues, and not for a flaming coke addiction".
At nine, Driscoll was Disney's Lindsay Lohan, and at age 13 he won an Oscar as outstanding juvenile actor. Then he developed severe acne and Disney told him to f--k off.
An arrest for marijuana possession at age 18, followed by a drug switch from pot to Horse, and a series of run-ins with the law completely f--ked up his life.
In 1968, two boys playing in an abandoned New York tenement discovered Driscoll's body. Death was the result of hardening of the arteries from long-term drug abuse. He was 31.
Wake up, Lohan: It's T-minus 7 years, hon.
In a statement, the 18-year-old singer's hangers-on say, "Demi Lovato left her tour early this weekend in order to seek medical treatment for emotional and physical issues she has dealt with for some time, including being a young, famous, beautiful multimillionaire, which would make anyone unhappy."
The statement continues, "Demi has decided to take personal responsibility for her actions and seek methadone. She is doing just that."
The rep concludes, "[Demi] regrets not being able to finish her tour, but has more money stashed in 401(k) accounts than any of you f--kers will earn in a lifetime, so... suck it."