The Campello Trumper reports that last Saturday, semi-drunken Halloween revellers ran for their lives at Brown's Restaurant when a portal to the underworld was inadvertedly opened up on the dancefloor.
Tony Brown, proprietor of the popular Brown's restaurant explained:
"We held a Halloween bash here at Brown's on Saturday night. People came in Fancy Dress from miles around. We had everyone in typical Halloween garb, and two people who for some reason turned up dressed as circus clowns, but Hey, Whatever! Live and Let Live I say!
"My partner Stuart had prepared his famous Beef Stew and Dumplings - I'll always remember the first time I put one of Stuart's dumplings in my mouth - It were LUSH!
"Any road up, we'd cleared all t'crockery out of the way, an counted the cutlery back in. I were on t'decks, doin' me bit as DJ, and I started to crank it up a bit. People were gettin'up and shufflin'about on t'dancefloor when it 'appened!"
Distracted by the gyrations and aroma of sweaty partygoers on the dancefloor as they busted moves and threw their shapes, Tony accidentally played two tunes at the same time - Hooked on a Feeling by Blue Suede and Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John.
The accidental combination of notes from Elton's piano and the Ooga-Shaka, Ooga-Shaka, Ooga-Ooga-Ooga-Shaka chant at the beginning of the Blue Suede track exactly mirrored a pagan ritual chant from before the dawn of time.
Suddenly, amid an ear-splitting sound, a crack opened up on the dancefloor, spewing out sulphuric fumes, steam and smoke and an eerie greenish light.
Dancers scattered in all directions, their carefully-nursed halves of lager flying into the air as tables were tipped over. The crack became a four-foot-wide hole, from which could be heard the tortured screams of lost souls, and the cackling, evil laughter of their demon captors.
"I reckon it were a combination of all what were goin'off", said Tony. - Date - t'party atmosphere - people dancin'- an'of course, me putting on t'wrong combination of tunes! At first, I thought one o' dancers 'ad let one off on t'floor, what wi' smell an' all, but when I saw the green light and heard them terrible screams, I knew I'd opened up a hole I didn't really want to go in to. I'd only gone and opened up a pathway through t'bloody underworld 'adn't I! I am a Daft Bugger at times!"
Luckily for the partygoers, a quick-thinking Stuart saved the day.
Says Stuart; "Tony is a great guy, but he won't leave well enough alone. He did it on purpose, just to show off. The first time he opened up a hole, we were together in Torremolinos. At the time, Torremolinos was considered to be the height of sophistication, but it has never recovered. People searching out an open hole can usually find one in Torremolinos.
"Anyway, I saw what was going on, and luckily, I had plenty of my Stew and Dumplings left over. I tipped the pan straight into the hole. Everybody loves my Beef Stew - demonic beings and the eternally damned are no different to anyone else in my book. They lapped it up! A deafeningly loud and impressively long collective burp issued from the hole before it closed up, as if by magic."
Drama over, the party continued, but with one unexplained memento of the strange affair.
Tony hails from Southampton, on England's south coast, yet now speaks with a broad Yorkshire accent.
"It's Bloody Daft!", he ranted. "Appen like as mebbe, it'll all be ret in th'end - Summat'll sort itsen out. Til then, I'll just keep me bloody trap shut - an be a bit more bloody careful wi'me Elton in t'future.