From 'Would You Ever Adam and Eve it inc.', Totally unverified. - Malvern chanteuse Cher Lloyd, who took the X-Factor by storm on Saturday with a heart rending rendition of 'Stay' by Shakespeare's Sister, who used to be the bit daggy one out of Bananarama who was knocking off Dave Stewart or whatever his name is out of the Eurythmics before he smelled the coffee and sorted it out with Annie Lennox...
Well...she won over the critics did little Cher.
But all the tears and shit which she shed during - and more specifically - at the end of her ear-torturing performance were solely attributable to the fact that she was sitting on a big, fuck-off spike, which was on the verge of penetrating poor Cher's anal opening - the arse hole.
Skoob Entertainment News supremo, Buffty Ginslinger, who was present at the show, in spite of the fact that he could barely stand up straight, told us:
"I saw her sit down on that spike, and I felt her pain. The tears the girl shed weren't tears of emotion - they were the kind of tears that say - "Oh for fuck's sake I've got a big spike stuck right up my arse hole. Fuck, that's what I call a ringstinger!"
Thankfully, Cher made it through the fixed vote and has promised her fans that she will think twice about sitting on a big fuck-off spike again.
Even if Dannii Minogue insists it's a life enhancing experience.
"If it's that fucking important to Dannii, let her sit down and have a big fuck-off spike impale her up the arsehole. I bet she wouldn't like it," Cher reportedly said. According to sources.
Wagner Carrilho said that having anything stuck up your arse is a life enriching experience. But then he is Brazilian.
Matt Cardle was last seen handing out Wagner's mobile number - but not, he stressed, to Elton John, George Michael, or Boy George.
"I never thought it'd come to this," Matt was reported as saying.
In the meantime, over a billion and a half people in China don't give a fuck about the X-Factor.
But Simon is working on it.
More as we get it.