Written by Felix Minderbinder
Print this

Thursday, 30 June 2005

image for Spielberg's ‘War of the Worlds' Turns Americans Into Fearful, Raving Paranoids
Remade movie evokes widespread paranoia

MENLO PARK, CA-Americans have been turned into fearful, raving paranoids by the release of Steven Spielberg's remake of the movie ‘War of the Worlds' starring Tom Cruise on June 29, observed Dr. Felix Minderbinder, a Psychiatrist with the Stanford Research Institute.

"I've seen entire audiences leave the theatres and immediately run for cover, gazing hysterically into the sky and looking for those aliens," commented the shrink. "Then they race home, pack a few essentials, and desperately drive off into the country or the mountains looking for a cave to hide in until the alien threat is over. There's been hundreds of traffic accidents over this."

News reports are also filled with traumatized housewives attacking their vacuum cleaners because they looked like "those alien snake things."

"I was sure that my Hoover vacuum hose attachment was looking at me, watching, me…tracking me," said Betty Munchgrove, a recently admitted psychiatric patient in Los Angeles State Psychiatric Hospital. She told the LAPD officers who captured her and took her away, "That's why I attacked it with a hammer, then I attacked the neighbors who called the police. I couldn't trust them anymore. Then I attacked the police, because they were obviously working for the aliens, too."

Such a response has been typical in urban and suburban settings, where thousands of smashed up vacuum cleaners now line the streets awaiting garbage pickup. Vacuum cleaner sales wave dropped to zero as consumers fearfully hide in their basements or wherever they can. Other Americans have attacked their barbecues or their TVs because they resemble the aliens.

Seventy-eight New Yorkers have also been run over by subway trains as they fled into the deep underground train tunnels of Manhattan fleeing the aliens. The mayor and police have repeatedly told their citizens not to do this, and notices are posted everywhere, but such warnings are going unheeded.

"It's just like the September 11, 2001 attack," gasped one paranoid as he was dragged from a subway tunnel. "I could hear that deep bass sound the aliens make…It was terrifying." Observers noted that what he'd heard was actually just the warning horn of a subway train.

Other Americans have been influenced by the war-like propaganda message of the film, observed Minderbinder. "They turn belligerent, and demand, ‘Why can't we just attack some nation that we don't like, like Iran, or Syria, or North Korea?' they ask. They want to attack something because they think it will make them feel better."

The new Spielberg film thus seems to be a cheap and sensationalist agit-prop flick preying on people's fears, and readying them for more war, just as Americans were subtlely prepared for the recent war to grab Iraq's oil. The original 1898 novel by H.G. Wells readied Britain for a coming war with Germany, just as the 1953 version of the movie capitalized on Cold War fears, he noted.

"Tom Cruise with his many fears is also the perfect actor for such a movie," noted the psychiatrist. "He's a paranoid wacko too."

"That film sure isn't like Spielberg's ‘E.T.', or ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind' with their friendly aliens," added Minderbinder. "These aliens mean business."

Make Felix Minderbinder's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 5 plus 3?

1 4 8 18
49 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more