Vocally gymnastic warbler Mariah Carey is as happy as a hippo now that her deadbeat husband, Nick Cannon, finally blew a load that served a purpose: She's with child, and she has Celine Dion to thank.
Dion, 84, just gave birth to twin boys, which she just released into the wild., and she shared her secrets with Carey:
"First she suggested that I have sex with a really old guy, like her husband," said Carey, while replacing the cherry tomatoes in her gourmet salad with Hershey's Kisses. "But I don't think Tommy Motolla takes my calls anymore.
"Celine suggested that I let Nick (Cannon-Carey, her husband) actually put it in me," said Mariah, rubbing the tiny baby bump that is just beginning to peek out from under her already huge, gelatinous FUPA*.
Carey finally tried acupuncture to help her get pregnant after she heard Celine Dion rave about the treatment. Not only did it help Carey get pregnant, but it also helped her quit falling on stage, chewing tobacco, showing up at awards shows drunk, working on the script for 'Glitter II: 3D' and marrying the underemployed, reports the Toronto Merde.
Carey tells me, "Celine was talking about acupuncture. I used to get acupuncture, I like acupuncture, I really like acupuncture, and I had never thought of acupuncture with regards to the trying to conceive situation. I was getting acupuncture, like, once a day at least. It was on a schedule, everything.**"
Carey feels that the treatment helped her get pregnant and battle the stress she had trying to close her eyes tight enough to have sex with her husband.
"It was hard to stay disciplined," said Carey. "People who know me would be like, 'You scheduled acupuncture at a certain time every day? You stayed in one place, and it wasn't a cocktail bar or all-you-can-eat buffet?' "
She also tried hormone treatments to increase her chances of getting pregnant, causing her to blow up like Precious at a Krispy Kreme factory.
Said Carey, "The hormones bloat you, it also puts on weight (editor: which is the same f--king thing, you imbecile) and so, then, everybody was like, 'Oh, the weight gain, she's definitely pregnant!'Thank goodness, because I thought I was gaining weight because I was eating McDonalds for breakfast, pre-lunch, lunch, afternoon tea and McRibs, dinner, bedtime snack, and as a while-sobbing-after-sex consolation snack."
The primary beneficiary of Mariah's Will is expected in June, 2011.
Interestingly, Dion refutes Carey's recollection of their conversation: "I never told her that I got acupuncture. I told her I made sure I got a prick in me at least once a day. It isn't the same thing."
* FUPA: The technical, medical term for "Fat Upper Pubic Area", also "Farting Under Pelicans Asses." Descriptive of the phenomenon common with women so afflicted by obesity that their pubic area is used to store patches of fatty waste.
** This is her actual quote. Can you imagine having a conversation with this uneducated meathead? Jesus Christ.