Key West, FLA--Guru of Parrotheads around the globe, Jimmy Buffet, made a shocking confession regarding his signature song, Margaritaville. The confession has stunned fans, promoters and musicians alike.
Admitting he was under the influence of the "booze in the blender, " Buffet, mired in guilt since his immortal tune reached and remains at the top of the charts, came clean today by admitting the salt shaker the song claimed he was perpetually looking for was right there on his kitchen table. But he swore it wasn't there the whole time he came up with the rest of the song.
When asked about the veracity of the rest of the claims the duneful ditty describes, Buffet waxed evasive. He flat out was unwilling to divulge the contents of the "blender," and he refused to raise his t-shirt to prove once and for all whether he really did get a tattoo of a purported "Mexican cutie."
Substantial information was gathered from numerous women loitering in the vicinity of Buffet's Duval Street eatery who adamantly denied that "there's a woman to blame" for his chronic alcoholic state. "We were all after just one thing," a 40-ish one-time soccer mom slurred through bloodshot eyes. "It was the shrimp...just take a whiff...they're beginning to boil."
Those close to the vagabond music icon swear they've never seen him wearing anything but leather sandals, so any hint that he "blew out a flip-flop" was apparently just a drunken hallucination.
Buffet's confession has caused quite a stir in musical, medical and distillery circles. Song writers and production companies who have dealt with the #1 Parrothead in the past now question the validity of the lyrics of his hundred-or-so other hits. At the same time, the US surgeon general has promised a new campaign against alcoholism glamorized by so-called pop icons. Furthermore, rum distillery giant Bacardi has nixed a multi-million-dollar ad campaign with Buffet as their spokesperson.
Following Buffet's surprise confession, rum distillery stocks on Wall Street fell sharply, while shares in the publicly traded Margaritaville Restaurant gained nearly 25 percent, most likely from frantic fans with money left over after they had bought and consumed all the booze in all of South Florida.