Lardy warbler Gary Barlow vehicle Take That stirred the media up into a frenzy today with a top secret press conference where they were to make an announcement of huge importance.
The location was released to the media, but completely kept from the public, for fear of hysterical fans mobbing the building. The band's manager, Tony Scrotum explained:
"We're not getting caught out like Westlife did that time in Cork. 14 people died in a stampede by moist-gussetted dinnerladies... Gary, Robbie, Jason, Howard and er... the other one, don't want blood on their hands like that."
Frenetic activity on fan websites speculated on any number of reasons for the announcement, some of which are repeated below:
taykTHIS1981 - i bet it's a press call for Mark to show us his wang
sparkletwat:-) - robbie was kidnapped by aliens in the desert and it's actually a robot that rejoined the band
osamabinhardon - it's either a live tour, or barlow's got nut cancer
In fact, it was none of them. The band wanted to announce to the world's assembled media that Jason Orange had completed a jigsaw. Barlow explained:
"It was a dead hard one... just loads of baked beans - he didn't know where to start. But fair play, Jase, you did it and we're all dead proud of you. Everyone's here today for you."
It is believed that Orange started the jigsaw long before Take That were formed, and that it has taken roughly two decades to complete. Visibly emotional, he could only manage a few words before being herded into a cage, ready for transportation around the country on the band's forthcoming tour:
"A lot of people say I've never contributed anything to this band's huge success... but I think I've proved them wrong today.
"Granted... I may not sing, or write the songs. And there was a three month period when i had my appendix out; was replaced in the band by a Vileda mop; and nobody noticed. But I have this now... and it gives my futile life some meaning."