Written by Nick Hobbs
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Thursday, 21 October 2010

image for Coronation Street Star Reveals Shocking Truth To Millions
The cobbles of Weatherfield. They're probably left over rolls from Roy's Cafe, according to Gail.

Gail McIntyre (formerly Platt), the weasely faced hag of number 8 Coronation Street, stunned viewers and cast-members alike, by sensationally revealing that the show was not real.

Millions of viewers sat down to watch their half hour catch up of the days events in Weatherfield, when a touching scene between Gail and her son David was wrecked by the pointy-nosed, evil, pixie queen.

David, who had just run over his dappy friend Graeme Proctor, was protesting his innocence to his mother, when he uttered the line "you've got to believe me, you're my mother." At this point Gail turned to the camera, and infront of millions said "actually I'm not. I'm an actress. Not a very good one, but an actress none the less!"

"This is a program. A TV serial. We're all actors here. This is not my house. It's just a chipboard and plaster fa├žade. I'm sick and tired of doing this every week. Having to act out scenes with this dipshit (pointing at David) day in day out."

"I just want everyone to know that Corrie is just a show. We're not real. Jack hasn't got cancer, infact he's not really Jack. His name's Bill. And Peter isn't a recovering alcoholic. Although Deirdre, or Anne Kirkbride as she is truly known, is a bit of a secret lemonade drinker, if you know what I mean."

"Alan never got run over by a tram in Blackpool, and Betty has never made a hot-pot in her entire life. She can't even make a pot-noodle."

She then marched off set, leaving bemused production staff behind the scenes, tearing their hair out.

Mary Willoway, 67, has been an avid viewer of the televisual feast for many years. She was truly shocked. "I dropped my Eccles cake right in me cuppa," she told us "I was mortified, I mean you put your trust in these people, and that's how they repay you! I always thought she was a wrong 'un, that Gail woman. No wonder Richard Hillman wanted her dead."

Brian Batterfudge, 52, told us "I was watching, 'cause my wife had it on, and I was just passing through the room, when I heard Gail's revelation. I had to console my wife for hours after. She realised all those wasted years of watching, and worrying for the welfare of those folk that you grew to know and love, ruined, all for nothing! A relationship built on lies. ITV should be ashamed. I'm writing to my MP. On my wife's behalf."

Wayne Turnbull, 23, said "I don't watch it. But I'd give Rosie Webster a portion, no matter what her name is!"

ITV have refused to comment on the uproar caused by Gail's impromptu revelation. Sources close to the show say that they may try to incorporate it into a storyline, in which Gail becomes mentally unstable, and begins seeing goblins and talking to herself, finally dressing as a garden gnome and throwing herself from the viaduct onto the infamous cobbled streets of Manchester, singing 'I once was an ugly duckling'.

It is not, however, the kind of attention that ITV wanted for the show in the run up to their 50th anniversary celebrations.

However, on a lighter note, fans of gritty realism can always get their fix, by tuning in to the BBC documentary series, Eastenders.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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