Written by Nick Hobbs
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Thursday, 21 October 2010

image for Danny Dyer To Play Pixie In New Movie Project
A McG style explosion, in his movie adaptation of Thomas Hardy's Tess of the D'Urbervilles

Faux-hardnut and ponce, Danny Dyer, is to star in a movie about wizards and mystical, magical happenings.

The screenplay, a direct cash-in on the whole Harry Potter theme, was written by a team of bored writers in Hollywood looking to make a quick buck, but having no real, original ideas.

Dyer was handpicked to play Hufflpudd the magic pixie, as he was not working at the time, and the director heard about
what a great, real actor he was.

"Well, I got the call, dittn' I?" he said in his usual mockney hard-man accent, "they 'eard 'bout me actin' skills and that, roight? An' 'ow I'm better'n Vinnie fackin' Jones, roight? Well, son, you get the call from fackin' Hollywood, an' yor goin', sunshine, an' no fackin' mistake."

Quite.

We asked director, McG, how he managed to convince Dyer to dress in green tights and silver slippers. He had this to say, "wow, man! We just said, hey, look, guy! You the man! You're my guy, right? It's cool. We're cool. Let's be cool! And anyway, he quite often dresses in tights, so it's cool!"

The film, tentatively titled 'Wizard School: The Saucer Of Milk For Table One', will commence filming in February 2011. It is set to feature McG's usual blend of blood, loud explosions and positively no plot.

The biggest fear is that there is a 'one' in the title. We asked the director if the 'one' reffered to the numbering system of the tables in the film title, or did it signify a possible sequal?

"WOOO, man! I can't tell you! We havn't seen how much money we can fleece yet! Wait and see, dude! Cool?" he said.

Dyers character is mute, and will be shot on a greenscreen soundstage, to be enhanced digitally beyond all human recognition at a later date.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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