Written by Karen Fish
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Topics: Lindsay Lohan

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

image for Lindsay Lohan Converts to Islam to Beat Alcohol and Cocaine Addictions

People think that fame and fortune are the road to eternal happiness; this is the American Dream fostered by American Idol. Yesterday Michael Douglas visited his sister Lindsay Lohan at the Betty Ford Center on family day. At a press conference after the visit, Michael Douglas had this to say:

"I have just come from visiting my sister Lindsay Lohan at the Betty Ford Center. Lindsay is undergoing her fourteenth stint in rehab and again it doesn't seem to be working. I am now going to read you a letter from my sister Lindsay Lohan:"

Lindsay Lohan: "Dear World: Thank you all so much for your love, prayers and support. From the outside it looks like I have it all, fame, fortune and a happy go lucky party lifestyle. However, now I want to set the record straight."

Lindsay Lohan: "I sang a song called 'Confessions of a Broken Heart.' I realize now that if I had named it 'Daughter to Father' it would have been a huge hit. Hindsight is 20/20. In the song I tell the world that I have had a very depressing life up until this point. I grew up without a father who was in and out of jail when he wasn't working on Wall Street and in the spaghetti business with the Molinari brothers."

"My brother Michael Douglas is quite familiar with the gambling on Wall Street which has caused the world financial collapse. While I was growing up my father was in and out of jail. I grew up without a father. My parent's marriage was on and off and on and off and the yelling and screaming caused me tremendous pain which drove me to alcohol and cocaine to alleviate the pain. Unfortunately the alcohol and cocaine made my problems infinitely worse."

Lindsay Lohan: "I don't want to end up like Marilyn Monroe and Anna Nicole Smith. In my song 'Daughter to Father' I sing, 'I wait for the good Lord to make me feel better.' Yesterday I had a Revelation. I was raised as a Catholic. Catholics give wine to their babies because they believe that it is the blood of God. I am an alcoholic, my father is an alcoholic and his father Richard was an alcoholic. We are a family of God blood drinking alcoholics."

"Yesterday I was visited by the Angel Gabriel who also visited the Madonna before the birth of baby Jesus and the Prophet Muhammad to whom he revealed the Koran. For my new album I have ditched Ne Yo and I am now collaborating with Cat Stevens. Cat Stevens converted to Islam and changed his name to Yusuf Islam. I am changing my name to Fatima Islam. Cat told me that the Koran forbids Muslims to drink or gamble. (Koran Sura 5:90-95)."

Linday Lohan: "The Koran calls drinking and gambling an abomination of Satan designed to sow hatred and strife among us. God knows there is plenty of strife and hatred in my own family and in the world today. 1.5 billion Muslim people cannot be wrong. The United States only has 300 million people. Even if every American voted 4 times they could still not outvote the Muslim people. Upon my release I will be making a pilgrimage to Mecca at the invitation of Saudi King Abdullah, who has offered to make me a Princess. Thank you all for coming. Allahu Akbar."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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