Written by anthonyrosania
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Tuesday, 19 October 2010

image for Investigators Find Heather Locklear's Beauty, Missing Since 2002.
ABOVE: Heather Locklear.

Scientists at the Delta Burke Foundation, a research group dedicated to retrieving former beauty for its clients, has discovered why Heather Locklear went from being the most beautiful woman in the world, to looking like Hugh Laurie in a fright wig.

Mariska Hargitay Syndrome?

Mariska Hargitay Syndrome (MHS) is an autoimmune disorder that temporarily suppresses mitochondrial DNA in fetuses, allowing only the father's DNA to dictate things like facial features and talent.

Read Alexa Rae Joel Diagnosed with Mariska Hargitay Syndrome for more details.

You didn't have a great exit joke for this story, did you?

Um, no.

Her daughter stole her beauty.

"Google Ava Samboro," said the Delta Burke Foundations lead scientist. "Heather's daughter (with right-place-at-the-right-time Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Samboro) looks exactly like Heather did."

"Throw a police uniform on that young lady, and it's Heather Locklear circa- T.J. Hooker."

The Institute explained that daughters sucking the beauty out of their mothers happens often, but is not the first hypothesis in the Locklear case that they studied.

"The first thing we looked at was Crazy Bitch Syndrome (CBS)," said the Institute.

"All the indicators for CBS were there. In March 2008, Locklear's doctor called 911 to report that she was suicidal. Her husband cheated on her with a younger, dumber meathole (Denise Richards). After that, she seemed not to be able to string a sentence together," continued the Institute's spokesperson. "We turned away from that theory when The Spade Factor presented itself."

The Spade Factor --named for former skee ball champion and unfunny Saturday Night Live castoff David Spade, whom Locklear inexplicably dated for a few months-- became an important part of the investigation.

"David Spade is like a succubus," said the Institute. "Not only can he convince really hot women to sleep with him, the women walk away from their relationship with him... changed. Damaged, even."

Other theories included Acute Substance Abuse Facial Derangement (Lohan Disease) and Reverse Mariska Hargitay Syndrome.

"I set a reminder for November 12, 2015 on my computer," said the lead scientist in the Locklear investigation. "That's the day Ava Samboro turns 18."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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