Written by Thibarine
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Monday, 18 October 2010

image for X Factor's Cheryl Cole Denies Secretly Taking English lessons as Simon Cowell Plans to Make Her a Big Star Stateside.
Ah make up ma orn mind who gauze, says Princess Cheryl.

Simon Cowell's wing woman has been secretly taking English lessons as part of his plan to help her crack the American market, an insider has revealed. Cheryl has denied the claim, saying it was a lord of rubbish and norbidy is teaching her anything, but fans of the show have noticed her becoming more and more articulate. For years she could only say "You nailed it" or "You smashed it" week after week; now she can string together complex sentences like " Aiden Grimshaw, despite your frilly white blouse and serial killer eyes, you're fast becoming my guilty pleasure."

Our source, who does not wish to be named but says she will be shot if she returns to her native Zimbabwe, told our reporter: "I'm not bitter or anything, but that ginger bitch gets all her responses scripted as soon as Simon Cowell has made up her mind. She wouldn't recognise talent if it slapped her orange face. She's Simon's puppet - look at the way they sit together, he's even got his hand up her back."

Cowell has spent so much time mentoring Cheryl that his own acts are coming out faster than a Chilean miner with a book deal. Hunky duo Viva Beaver were booted off this week along with Storm "in a teacup" Lee. Beefcake Craig Saggers, 21, said: "I'm very disappointed with Simon but I'm going to take it like a man." His bandmate, rugged Joe Al-Smadi, added: "I'm right behind you." There was further controversy as Katie Waissel survived yet another round. Waissel, the poor man's Gwen Stefani's body double's understudy, has been universally disliked by X Factor fans from the outset.

Simon Cowell's publicist refuses to confirm or deny the rumours of language lessons but admits Cowell has ordered the flame-haired stunner to listen to posh presenters on Radio 4 in a bid to soften her accent. "At first ah were bored" said Cheryl, "but now ah canna get enough of knickerless parsons."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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