Network executives leaked to the press today the schedule for the upcoming reality series "Who Wants To Be a Hilton?" The show will star the mother of the famous Hilton sisters and will try to turn a group of middle, lower, and classless people into upper caste classless socialites without morals (or many clothes, for that matter).
Monday, the contestants will be taken prepped for the show by receiving a Brazilian bikini wax.. This, of course, must take place at Julio's on Fifth Avenue, where the motto is "We remove the merkin of the stars."
The following day, contestants will have their weight and figures evaluated. Those showing any body fat will be put on diets of imported mineral water (without lemon) and organic bean sprouts until they are anorexic. Those women endowed with anything larger than a "b" cup will receive a mastectomy from licensed Beverly Hills plastic surgeons flown in for the show.
On Wednesday, shopping will be the highlight of the day. Contestants will be judged on their choices of the skankiest and most revealing clothing possible. Points will be deducted from those women who purchase bras or panties for wearing during regular daytime or party hours.
Thursday afternoon will see our Paris wannabees learning the best way to fall out of blouses. Special attention will be paid to those women who can best do the Sharon Stone "Basic Instinct" interrogation move while exiting a car or dancing. They will then use these moves in their visit to the New York club scene.
The next morning (starting about 3:00 a.m.), secret cameras will monitor the sleep habits of the contestants. Major deductions will be taken for going to bed by yourself, going to bed with less than two people (gender unimportant), and getting out of bed before noon.
Saturday will find the contestants beginning practice for their own amateur porn videos. Extra points will be awarded for having a creative title for their movies (such as "An Evening in Paris").
On the Sabbath, our reality show stars will take what they have learned during the week and film their movies.
Clips from this week will be edited for content and will make up about fifteen minutes of television that can be used in the first episode.
Monday morning will find our contestants visiting pet shops to find a small, nervous, teacup sized animal to carry around at all times. Photos will be taking of the owners with their new best friends at all angles and in several costumes.
On Tuesday, the animals must be lost or misplaced. Wednesday and Thursday will be spent frantically searching for the overgrown rats and practicing "tears at a moments notice." Extra points will be awarded for the most creative lost doggie poster and best spoiled little rich girl pout.
Friday will see our contestants reunited with their animals and dancing all night at various local clubs (pet must be held during dancing by one or the other of the dancers). Points will be awarded for being photographed by the most paparazzi and with the most sports, media, and entertainment "stars." Bonus points will be given for falling out of the blouse with a "star" in the background of the shot or as the dance partner.
The second weekend will find our aspiring starlets filming their first television show episode. No acting classes will be provided as lack of stage presence or acting talent or ability is considered a liability. All contestants must form friendships with one competitor and then break this off at the end of the weekend.
On Monday, the "ladies" will begin performing in their first Hollywood movie (as opposed to porn movie or television show), They will be covered in fake blood and practice screaming and dying at the hands of serial killers.
Tuesday will send our aspiring harlots to write and film a hamburger commercial. They will try their hardest to create a commercial where they have on the least amount of clothing possible, move in the sexiest ways imaginable (and permitted by television), and do absolutely nothing that has anything to do with marketing Big Macs and Whoppers (no pun intended).
On Wednesday, all contestants that have not already quit will be informed that the competition and show have been cancelled due to the fact that nobody in America but the press cares at all about Paris Hilton. They will also learn that there are only so many things a trollop can do in her life, and they already did them all in fifteen days. The newest reality show Hiltons will learn that the only difference between Paris and trailer trash is the amount of the bank account.
The unrated, unedited version of the show will appear on pay-per-view one month after the cancellation of the show.