Reports coming in indicate that Simon Cowell went stark raving mental last night as deranged X-Factor fan and tea and biscuits afficionado Jesus Budda approached him as he was on his way to the X-Factor and asked him if he has moobs.
Moobs - otherwise known as man boobs are a commonly exhibited condition among men of a certain age, whose testosterone levels have decreased to such a degree that oestrogen levels become slightly dominant and cause the man to suddenly grow tits.
A bit like a woman's, but flabbier and a fuck of a site less shapely.
Clutching at his dignity like a defender in a wall clutching his knackers as he faces a Cristiano Ronaldo free kick, Cowell turned to Budda, and according to the witness who we paid, said:
"That is a horrendously rude thing to say to any man."
At which point, Budda giggled, covered his mouth wis his hand, and shyly said:
"Sorry Si - but I've long been a fan. It's just that...I saw a piccy of you on the beach in shorts, and if the picture wasn't photoshopped, then you've definitely got moobs. It's just that I really fancy a soapy tit wank, and you look up to the job. With your smiley teeth and your moobs and your low cut jumpers..."
At this, Cowell visibly recoiled and blurted out:
"You are the most depraved, godless, sick minded, perverted, thoroughly despicable, loathesome individual I have ever had the gross misfortune to ever set eyes on."
"I know," said Budda. "Good innit?"
More as we get it.