X-Factor supremo Simon Cowell today angrily denied allegations made by certain unregulated websites which alleged that he has had his anus bleached, and his penis pejazzled.
Skoob Entertainment News supremo Buffty Ginslinger informed us that he was aware of the practice of pejazzling because he'd googled it.
He tells us that it involves having tiny precious or semi precious stones glued to the cock, balls, and surrounding area in order to aesthetically enhance the wedding tackle.
When our reporter approached Cowell in a corridor at the X-Factor studios and confronted him with the allegations, Simon Cowell reportedly said:
"Are you serious? I've never heard such nonsense in my whole life. Who are you? Do you have a valid pass in order to be here? This is just too ridiculous for words. Now clear off before I call security."
Which to our reporter smacked of an admission of guilt.
Louis Walsh was seen sniggering by a coffee machine at the time and Cheryl Cole appeared to be staring at a mobile phone in abject horror, as she muttered:
"Oh Ashley - not your underpants again pet. Jesus, do you never give up?"
More as we get it.