(AP) Reginald Toaster, the famous 500 pound baby (now aged 17) allegedly fathered by Bigfoot, reported to the Ft. Smith, Arkansas Police Department that he had seen the late Elvis Presley. "The King was dressed in his famous white jumpsuit. I done seen him leave the Daylight Donuts and fly away in a UFO. It was the fat Elvis, it weren't the skinny one. He still had them long, bushy sideburns and was wearing sunglasses. Before any body accuses me of it, I didn't have any fur in my eyes and I ain't been drinkin' any moonshine."
Reginald was accompanied by Sandy and Wally Mixer, the famous fish faced, two headed baby. Sandy was facing the wrong direction and did not see Elvis, but was witness to a man being placed in a bathtub of a nearby Motel 6. "I heard him screaming that someone had stolen one of his kidneys. I offered him a piece of my bubble yum as the ambulance was taking him away, but he said he didn't want it because of the spider eggs."
Wally did see the lights, but did not see Elvis. "I was busy petting this banana rat that looked like it had eaten someone's cat. When I heard this noise, I looked up and saw something with flashy lights lifting off into the sky and heading north towards Fayetteville. It was a pretty sight and looked like a flying Christmas tree."
Batboy, who was flying from Tulsa, Oklahoma to Little Rock, Arkansas at the time, said that he also saw the UFO. "Elvis was sitting in the pilot's seat. He met up with this other flying saucer that was being flown by JFK and they did a mid-air refueling. As he flew away, I heard Elvis tell the President "Thank you, thank you very much.""
Young cancer patient Timmy Doorknob, the one that Bill Gates promised to send to Disneyland if everyone forwards his e-mail 1,000,000 times, said that the UFO also stopped in his trailer park. "There was pandemonium. Everyone was grabbing their commemorative Dale Earnheart plates and running for the root cellar. Unfortunately, the mole people decided to come up from the ground just then and we had to run a different direction."
Wanda Icebox, a woman cursed to spending the rest of her life covered by boils and in a wheelchair for not passing on a chain letter, saw what happened next from her porch. "The UFO stopped down at the crossroads and Elvis helped Princess Diana and one of those Roswell aliens climb on. The UFO then went straight up into the air and disappeared into the clouds. I wheeled over to the place where he had landed and saw an image of the Virgin Mary burned into the grass. When my toes touched one of the burn marks, all the boils on that leg just disappeared. It was a miracle."
Randall Henhouse, former Darwin award winner and owner of the property with the scorch mark, immediately rented a large circus tent to cover and protect the spot. "Those wishing to see the place or be cured of their inflictions can make a small donation of $50 to me and my new company. I'm trying to hire all of them witnesses to come and work for me and tell everyone what happened. I invited the Pope and Billy Graham and Oral Roberts too, but they haven't called me back yet. I've also left a message at Graceland asking if I can buy a bunch of Elvis toys at wholesale to provide to my visitors at a nominal charge."
Lisa Marie Presley, when asked about the chain of events, laughed hysterically and said "…and I thought my marriage to Michael Jackson was weird!"