Written by Shirley Knott
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Wednesday, 14 December 2005

image for Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes to star in remake of The Gay Divorcée
K-K-K-Katie

Shirley Knott: HOLLYWOOD - On the heels of a recent nomination for a Daytime Emmy for his dance performance on The Oprah Winfrey Show, megastar Tom Cruise has announced that he will soon begin filming a remake of the 1934 Hollywood classic, The Gay Divorcée.

Reprising the role created by the legendary and dashing Fred Astaire, Cruise is expected to shine in the role of Guy Holden, the movie's male lead.

"I never knew he could move like that until I saw him on The Oprah Winfrey Show," said Gay Divorcée director, Harvey Fierstein. "He displayed the Astaire agility and charm that will make his Guy Holden evident to audiences across the globe."

"His mood is gay, gay, gay!" Fierstein added regarding Cruise's happy enthusiasm for the project.

Set to star opposite Cruise's Guy Holden in the female lead of Mimi Glossop is none other than his current main squeeze, Katie Holmes. Ellen DeGeneres will play the film's loveable Aunt Hortense, and bon viveur Alan Cumming will reprise the role of Egbert 'Pinky' Fitzgerald, played in the original film by Edward Everett Horton.

Cruise's Holmosexuality was once a well-kept secret in the film industry but now he rarely misses an opportunity to profess his unswerving love and dedication to "K-K-K-Katie," his most often used nickname for the willowy brunette.

"K-K-K-Katie, beautiful Katie, she's the only g-g-g-girl that I adore," he recently sang during an interview with Barbara Walters. "When the m-m-m-moon shines over the cowshed, I'll be waiting at the k-k-k-kitchen door."

When Walters remarked that the classic song had always been one of her favorites, Cruise offered to cut a special recording of it for her as the song will be added -at Cruise's request-to existing music and lyrics from The Gay Divorcée.

"I never want to miss an opportunity to adore her," Cruise said of Holmes. "I am so giddy with delight in my love for her, and I am smitten with her virginal zest."

Although Cruise's first ex-wife, Mimi Rogers, once remarked in an interview with Playboy, "He thought he had to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument. ...[but] my instrument needed tuning," Cruise assured Walters that he was firmly "in tune" with Holmes needs, and he declared that he has definite plans to consummate his impending marriage to Holmes "once the timing is right."

In a related story, the celebrity wrestling debut of Cruise Vs. Winfrey will be replayed on the WWF network later this summer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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