Somewhere in the Continental United States - Regular 60 Minutes contributor, Andy Rooney, disappointed fans this week saying simply "Screw you, America. I'm ninety-one years old, I can say whatever random thoughts pop into my head, and it will still be called journalism."
Mr. Rooney's primary audience, who tend to be crotchety, immigrant octogenarians (or "kids" as he calls them) most of whom are learning English as their second language, woke up briefly and then nodded off to sleep once more.
Under fire for Mr. Rooney's erratic behavior, 60 Minutes executives argued that the show is staying true to its roots as a flagship of television newsmagazines by providing 42 minutes of coverage on diverse current events. "Without our program, God-forbid, an entire generation of retired folks would be oblivious to the existence of current important celebrities such as Beyonce and sober Eminem."
A short distance away Mr. Rooney could be heard: "Run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man..."