Written by Bill Licks
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Saturday, 9 October 2010

image for Cheryl Cole and Cher Lloyd in naked mud wrestling showdown
Cry and 'Hue'll' be guaranteed a place in the X-Factor finals

X-Factor judge Cheryl Cole and wannabe Cheryl Cole and notorious bully in the Malvern area, Cher Lloyd are set to go head to head in a live mud wrestling extravaganza to find out just who is the hardest bitch on prime time Saturday evening television.

The fight will take place live in front of an exclusive audience of just Simon Cowell but is available to Sky Box Office viewers at a cost of £149.99.

Cole is undefeated in 15 fights with 12 knockouts, and 3 victories on points whereas newcomer Lloyd has only one victory under her belt but was impressive in her demolition of featherweight champion of the West Midlands, Ophelia Blakeway.

At the weigh-in today the two singers squared up to each other and almost came to blows when Cole claimed the scales must have been faulty as her weight registered at 25kg, five kilograms more than the waspish Lloyd.

'The reason why that slut is lighter than me is because she cries like a baby every time someone sticks a camera in front of her wonky face' said an angry Cole.

Lloyd hit back by saying 'She's heavier than me because she's just full of shit - I'm full of talent which is lighter than shit.'

'If I had a face like yours' Cole replied 'I'd go to a fucking plastic surgeon and ask him cover my face in a fucking plastic bag so no one would have to fucking look at it anymore'

'Yeah well if I was gonna marry a footballer, I'd marry a straight one' Lloyd responded.

Cole then took a swing at Lloyd but luckily she missed and ended up punching Dannii Minogue in the face who was trying her hardest to keep the girls apart.

Simon Cowell then intervened and as the girls were taken out of the room to calm down he told the press.

'I wasn't expecting that Lloyd - Cole commotion here tonight. I thought they'd split up back in the 80's when the lead singer fell out with the rest of the band'

Simon Cowell's new autobiography 'My Life As A Stand Up Comedian Cracking Shit Jokes About Bands That Anyone Under The Age of 25 Probably Hasn't Heard Of' is released next week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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