Written by Belinda Michaels
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Tuesday, 31 May 2005

image for Star Wars Favourite to Commence Stand Up Tour
C-3PO the comedian.

Los Angeles, CA. - Breaking the stranglehold that Star Wars creator George Lucas has held on him for decades, a contract free C-3P0 announced at a press conference today that he would be embarking on a seventeen city stand up comedy tour of the East Coast. But parents be warned, don't bring the kids.

The feisty droid had journalists in raptures as he previewed his expletive laced stand up routine that drew comparisons to shock comic Andrew Dice Clay. "You want ryhmes? I got ryhmes." 3P0 barked back before launching into a hilarious take on 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.'

The former snack machine who underwent mechanical surgery to land the role of, in his words, "an irritating, bumbling piece of crap" spoke of his feelings of betrayal when Lucas replaced him with an actor in a robot suit when he didn't show up one day. "After a night out on the town I got in a fight with a fire hydrant. I kicked the bejesus out of it and snapped my foot right off. It was going to take a week to get it screwed back on properly but Lucas couldn't wait."

Labelling Lucas a task master and disciplinarian with a 'Robots don't have feelings' attitude, 3P0 revealed alcohol and drugs were a strict no-no on the set. "We ended up customizing R2D2. We gutted him, put hinges on his head and stored our coke bags in him. You know why he was rolling so slow on Tatooine? It's because me and Carrie (Fischer) had stashed fifteen k's of charlie in him."

In between roars of laughter from the media contingent 3P0 said comedy had always been close to his heart and spoke of his friendship with comedic pioneer Richard Pryor. "Me and Rich met at this crazy spa party, shared a few pipes and started talking comedy. I use to talk to him about my problems with George and he would encourage me to take it out onstage. But that first contract I signed with Lucas was so tight...look!," he said before exposing the embossed (c) Lucas Film Limited 1977 on his rear thigh, still clearly visible after almost thirty years.

So will C-3PO's stand up act alienate longtime Star Wars fans? "I really don't care." he said. "I've waited years for this opportunity and even though Star Wars fans are among the most loyal fans you could ever have, they really aren't too smart."

The 'C-3P0 Strikes Back Tour" with support from Evil Bert, begins in Philly on the 3rd of August.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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