Cheryl Cole - the nation's sweetheart - was today hiding behind a skip at her Hertfordshire mansion after supposedly receiving electronic death threats from disgruntled X-Factor fans.
Cheryl has been lambasted over the last few days and accused of being as bent as a nine pound note by critics whose ire was irked as Cheryl overlooked Zimbabwean born Gamu in favour of Cher Lloyd and Katie Waissel.
One insider claimed that Cheryl's hotly disputed decision was based purely on logistical probability, and that even though Cher appeared to be on the verge of cracking up, and Katie allegedly made a porno, they didn't have a big horrible blackhead on their cheeks and were thus deemed to be more telegenic than Gamu.
Who apparently can warble a bit.
To compound the situation, Gamu's street in Clackmannanshire, Scotland, was sealed off yesterday as rumours swept the area that Cheryl was due to visit Gamu's family home - which was obviously impossible because Cheryl was still hiding behind the skip in Hertfordshire as security men installed an extra three thousand alarms at her mansion.
Skoob Entertainment News supremo, Buffty Ginslinger, speaking from a wheelie bin in Shaftesbury Avenue told us:
"In the words of the immortal bard, dear boy, it's much ado about nothing. I mean, people issuing death threats over a daft as arseholes TV show - what's that all about? And as for these people threatening to kill the divine Chezza because she didn't plump for Gamu, that's just plain rickydoodelous. These people should find something better to do with their sad, pathetic little lives."
Cheryl Cole is still 5'3"
More as we get it.