There was widespread panic at Alton Towers yesterday as thousands of clowns armed with outsized shoes and plastic buttonholes that squirt water out chained themselves to railings at the Staffordshire theme park.
The clowns are upset about a new Halloween promotion, The Carnival Of Screams, which involves people being terrorised by evil clowns.
"We're not evil," one clown complained. "We're just funny, with our painted faces, baggy suits and big clown shoes and cars that fall hilariously to bits. The kids love us, the little ones. It's just not right that clowns should be portrayed as being evil. I mean, fair enough, we might be a bit grumpy at times, but nobody's perfect."
One clown flew in especially for the event - Pennywise, out of Stephen King's novel 'It' came all the way from Castle Rock in Maine in order to express his feelings.
Skoob Entertainment News tried to interview Pennywise, but as our reporter approached him, his eyes started glowing, he grew some massive big fangs from somewhere, bit the head off a laughing policeman and then turned into a giant spider.
Then scuttled off down a nearby sewer to indulge in some cannibalistic ritual or other.
More as we get it.