Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, even grumpier than usual following a visit to the dentist which he described as 'painful' today added his weight (or lack of) to the X-Factor corruption scandal, although he did fall short of challenging 5'3" sex Goddess Cheryl Cole to a pillow fight.
Shuttlecock relayed how he watched in disbelief as Cher Lloyd and Katie Waissel were promoted by Cheryl Cole as their mentor, while poor Gamu was left out in the cold.
(Not really - expect Gamu back on your screens pretty soon - ed)
"That's pathetic," Shuttlecock opined. "It's quite obvious to me that not only do Cher and Katie appear to be totally devoid of the X-Factor, they're also a bit neurotic. Or at least that's how they come across to the public. Seems quite obvious to me that they both need a bloody good shafting. That'd sort out all the histrionics. It really pisses me off that Cheryl voted Katie and Cher to go through - Katie looks like my ex-Mrs and appears just as neurotic and fucking horrible. No surprises there with the private stock footage. She comes across like butter wouldn't melt - just like my ex. But they don't fool me. Oh no. And that Cher - they should take her down the local drive-thru and get her about twenty cheeseburgers. And then they want a bloody good seeing to - preferably with their arses scraping the wall in some pub car park. Do 'em a world of good."
Shuttlecock went on to say that he believed that Scouse chanteuse Rebecca Ferguson should go on to win the competition.
"I know she's a Scouser, and everybody knows I'm not particularly enamoured with Scousers, but the girl's got that jazz vibe going on. It's cool. And I can't imagine her getting bonked against a wall in a pub car park like those other neurotic head jobs. Bring back Gamu too. It's all a load of old shit really."
More as we get it.