Written by anthonyrosania
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Friday, 1 October 2010

image for Burglar Bunch Arrested For Stealing Jennifer Love-Hewitt's Swarovski Crystal Vajazzle.
No, dumbass, it goes in the front, and you'll need more than one.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, who, sources say, actually has a face, not that anyone's ever looked above her chest, was a particularly painful brush with the Los Angeles Burglar Bunch, after she told George Lopez that her Swarovski Crystal Vajazzle was stolen while she slept.

Love-Hewitt is credited with bringing the term "vajazzle" -- a process in which women with too much f--king time on their hands make themselves begin their masturbatory foreplay by gluing rhinestones to their vulvas. No, seriously-- into the homes of the 31 people who actually watch George Lopez's talk show.

"I do remember feeling something down there," she said. "But that whole area is kinda numb, nowadays."

Love-Hewitt reports in her 2010 memoir, "I'm More Than My Tits; I Used To Be Famous", that she suffered irreversible vaginal nerve-damage after dating Carson Daly, John Mayer, professional kayaker Brad Ludden, Joey Lawrence, LFO's Rich Cronin, actor Will Friedle, and a bunch of other closeted gays, allegedly. (Not that she ever slept with any of them.)

"After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski crystalled my, um, precious lady," Hewitt told Lopez. "It shined like a disco ball. An old, unused, kinda musty disco ball."

The procedure was made popular by New York City's Completely Bare Spa, as a post-waxing add-on service, in which a woman who clearly is regretting her career choice glues pieces of glass to the sensitive area above your vagina where, mere moments ago, she applied sticky wax and ripped out all the hair that was growing there.

And Lopez had to ask about how men react to the vajazzle: "Men? Why would there ever be a man near my... I mean... They LOVE it!" she said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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