Startling new revelations concerning John Terry are about to be revealed in this weekends News of the World but once again, I have the exclusive scoop.
Following the lifting of yet another "super injunction" enforced on the media by a top celebrity law firm, I can now finally peel back the Terry onion and detail how the Chelsea FC star cheated on his wife by enjoying homosexual frolics with Gary Neville, how the embattled defender has been giving a good 'consoling' to both Coleen Rooney and Alex Gerrard in sordid 3 in a bed hotel romps, how the former England captain has been stalking Manchester City star Wayne Bridge and why Terry has become obsessed with Wayne Rooney's bald head.
Further reports suggest that Terry has also been secretly completing a University degree in history in the vain hope he can find some for Chelsea, surreptitiously touting for business in West London as a rent-boy and making hundreds of hoax phone calls a day to the home of Cristiano Ronaldo claiming to be his bastard son.
And you readers can learn all about it in my 81 page glossy pull out section at the weekend. Well, once I figure out how to actually do that via the internet. And obviously once I can confirm the veracity of these stories. And when I've read what the News of the World has to say. In fact, don't bother, cut out the middle man and just read the News of the World on Sunday for yourself, I can't be arsed.