Written by anthonyrosania
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Topics: Mariah Carey

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

image for Porcine Chanteuse Mariah Carey Sings "Don't Let Go", Backup Dancers Fail To Obey
ABOVE: "Nude Mariah With Pointy Thing", a 2008 sculpture now displayed at the Louvre.

Stadium-goers in Singapore, the world's most f--ked-up island country, were jarred from their seats when porcine chanteuse Mariah Carey-Cannon fell onstage while singing the line "don't let go" from her 1992 sh-tburger "Make It Happen (Get Me A KFC Double-Down, Baby)"

"We didn't realize she was commanding us to not let go," said Twinkle Fluffinpoof, one of Carey's very manly and obviously heterosexual backup dancers, who was critically injured by Carey's fall. "Next thing I know, Mariah flailed around and then fell."

"It looked like the scene from Dumbo," said a backstage source, who we'll call N. Cannon, --no, make that Nick C.-- to obscure his identity. "Remember when Mrs. Jumbo loses her temper at the kids who made fun of her son? It was all trumpeting and screaming, then a collossal 'bang'!"

In addition to the damage done by Carey's fall to the dancers, the stage and the Earth's crust, the 85-ton capacity Kobelco Model CK850-III crawling crane that was brought to the stage area to right Ms. Carey was heavily damaged.

Carey's trainers held a press conference after the calamity.

"Ms. Carey was not seriously injured after her fall," read a statement. "Her wife, Nick, was there to comfort her, and he reports that she'll be sucking down Dairy Queen treats with reckless abandon by nightfall tomorrow.

Did you know?

That the elephantine warbler's second Christmas album will be released in November. The CD, called "Mariah Carey: Finish Off Those Butter Cookies And I'll Break Your Fucking Neck", will be available exclusively at the Cheesecake Factory.

The calamity will not delay the release of Carey's 345th album, "19 Stone", or the rest of her "Impoverished Nations Tour", which kicked off in Singapore before travelling to Tanzania, Mozambique, Niger, Burundi and Ethiopia.

"Where else than in these countries would Mariah's talents be better appreciated," said Idi Amin IV, the Tour's promoter. "A good day for them is not having to kill and eat a diseased toddler."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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