THE MINDS OF EVERYONE BORN AFTER 1959-Americans examined the front-page headlines in confusion today, as numerous media outlets announced the death of Eddie Fisher, who no one born after the Eisenhower administration had any knowledge of, sources reported Friday. According to the 200 million Americans born after Fisher's last chart hit in 1956, the Vegas entertainer had never entered their collective pop culture consciousness at any point in their lives.
"I opened the Post today and there was a front-page notice of this guy's death," said 47-year-old Washington D.C. resident Chris Nanmertone. "Usually when it's somebody that important, I immediately recognize them, but I skimmed through the whole piece and I was like, 'Who the fuck is this guy?' I mean, my dad might've remembered him, but he's been dead for 10 years."
"I was checking GoogleNews for the days headlines, and like the first story on the list was 'Eddie Fisher, 82, scandalous love hampered career'," recounted 27-year-old Ken Whistleston, who readily admits an inability to name a single member of the Rat Pack. "Some dude in the 50's. Guess I don't follow that era too much."
Fisher, one of the highest-paid singers of the 1950's, was as famous for his personal scandals as for his records, which sources agreed was probably because people back then were prude as hell, and wouldn't be a big deal today anyway.
"They were running a piece on that guy on the Today Show," recalled 36-year-old Pam Annetton. "At first I felt a little embarrassed because I literally had no idea who he was. Then I realized no one who wasn't born after the Korean War could either, so I felt a bit better."
Sources from the future report that all persons aged under 70 showed similar ignorance following the death of Justin Bieber at the age of 102.