An inmate in the Squeaky Fromme Wing of the Los Angeles County Prison is resting comfortably after suffering corneal damage caused by the inmate's exposure to Lindsay Lohan, after the failed human being was jailed for pissing cocaine.
"Orange, that's all I saw," said T'Sonella Pitcairn, a 3rd degree felon who enjoys quiet walks on the beach, and flying with condoms full of heroin in her rectum. "Orange jumpsuit, orange freckles, orange hair. And those big, huge pontoon, duck lips. She busticulated my corneums, so my attorney tells me."
Yup. I wrote it.
"I will defend Lindsay in this matter," said Shawn Chapman Holley, an attorney so talented and capable she coulnd't keep her millionaire client out of jail on a misdemeanor probation violation.
As for Ms. Lohan's so-called pontoon lips, one of only 3 L.A. plastic surgeons that hasn't driven a Jeep off a mountain had this to say: "What the hell did Ann-Margret do to her... Oh, sh-t. Is that Lindsay? I did her clitorectomy. She is unrecognizable."
"Well, she's either gotten collagen injections into her lips. Or," concluded the surgeon, who is booked to remove Heidi Montag's distended third testicle tomorrow. "Samantha Ronson-juice is an allergen."