Written by Ramirez125
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Thursday, 23 September 2010

Culinary wizard Heston Blumenthal is once again pushing the boundaries of taste, decency and ideas of what can be considered 'food' by becoming the first chef to cook himself on television.

'I always aim to do something that nobody else has done before. Sure, Keith Floyd pickled himself but that's such a cliché,' said Blumenthal, speaking at a press conference to announce his new Channel Five programme, 'The Chef Who Ate Himself'.

Blumenthal said that the idea had first come to him after realising that he had explored all possible permutations of normal food during the creation of his 'Heston's Feasts' series. 'Once I'd managed to construct an edible human body I knew there was no going back to bacon and egg ice cream. Plus, I couldn't get over the idea of Ulrika Jonsson eating my meat.'

The three Michelin-starred chef has been vigorously researching the project for several months in order to explore the most tender cuts of the human body and to find the best way to exploit the taste. Blumenthal met with several survivors from the Uruguayan Air Force crash of 1972, as well as studying interviews with Jeffrey Dahmer in order to find the secret to the perfect sausage casserole. 'The secret is tender, well-hung meat with a touch of desperation,' he continues.

'Ultimately, it's all about the science of good food. But you have to put your body and soul into it. To cook 'The Perfect Heston' and to be enjoyed by the people I've lived for all my life feels like the perfect end to my journey. And another Michelin star would be nice.'

The trend setting move has caused quite a buzz amongst the elite restaurant circuit and there is talk of other celebrity chef's committing the ultimate act of devotion to their art. However, Gordon Ramsey has ruled himself out because his meat is likely to be 'too sinuous' following his brief but illustrious stint in the Rangers youth development team, and Jamie Oliver has been ruled out by everyone else, as apart from a rather large tongue, 'he is almost completely made of bullshit.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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