Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Gay, Survivor

Thursday, 23 September 2010

image for Survivor Nicaragua: Snails, Alligator Shoes, and Gay Accusations
A photo of San Juan Del Sur, Nicaragua. (NOTE: The dark swarm of mosquitoes at lower left of photo).

SAN JUAN DEL SUR, Nicaragua - Jill Behm of Pennsylvania and ex-Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson offer South Dakota's Holly Hoffman some of their lovely, nutritious snails. Holly goes ballistic.

The 44-year-old Hoffman starts yelling, shouting, and screaming that she hates Paris Hilton because she keeps getting away with cocaine possession.

Holly later recovers and she steals 63-year-old Dan Lembo's fancy pair of alligator shoes, which according to The Price Is Right retail for $1,600, and she tosses them into a nearby volcano.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Okay, now what the effen hell is Dan doing with a pair of $1,600 shoes out in the tropical forests of Nicaragua?]

Later Shannon Elkins of Lafayette, Louisiana, sees Matthew Sash of the Big Apple (New York City) knitting some dinner napkins out of banana leaves and he asks him if he's gay.

Sash becomes highly offended. He puts down his knitting needle and tells Shannon that he has probably had ten times more gorgeous looking women than he has and that none of them smelled like Shrimp Etouffée, Broiled Crawfish, or Breaded Alligator Balls.

Shannon laughs and says that he doubts that since everyone knows that the reason that there are hardly any gays in Louisiana is due to the fact that they are afraid of gators, bayou mosquitoes, and Cajun voodoo women. He then reminds Sash that Playboy Magazine recently named New York City as the gay capital of the U.S. east coast.

We then cut to Brenda Lowe, who hails from Miami, Florida, as she asks Holly Hoffman from Eureka, South Dakota, if she is a lesbianite or if she just likes being able to grow out her goatee.

Holly responds by asking Brenda why exactly it is that her left knocker droops all the way down to her belly button.

The director cuts to a commercial and then it's time to vote someone off the show.

It's between Shannon and Brenda. Shannon loses by a vote of 7-3 and so he gets to leave volcano infested Nicaragua and return back to America and the Land of Civilization and Mickey D's.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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