Cher announced today that her fabulous 3-year run at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas is almost at a close, and you could almost hear teeth biting bare knuckles as gay men all over the world reacted horribly to the news.
"Oh my gawd," exclaimed Javier Hortense Quadalupe, a third-string dancer in the Circus-Circus "Gay Paree" show just down the street. "I have been to see my queen over 20 times just in the past year. I am beside myself. I just know I'm not going to be able to take this horrible news well. Just look at me, I am literally shaking."
When told that Cher was going to be replaced by Celine Dion, another favorite singer in gay circles but not nearly as popular, Quadalupe, also known simply as "Lupe" started to tear up and his lower lip started trembling as he let out a controlled "oy vey."
"Celine is a sweet girl and all, but she just doesn't get the gay community like Cher does. Cher's our sister, you know? And those outrageous outfits, we'll never see Celine wearing anything outlandish," he said. "Cher is always quick to give us pointers on makeup and sequins and strategically placed feathers. I can't see us asking Celine those type of questions let alone sharing our deepest darkest dating secrets with her. And besides that, she's absolutely Canadian, gasp gasp."
Lupe's fellow dancers were equally distressed, some openly weeping at the news. "Oh, don't mind them," said Lupe, "they are such drama queens," he said as he bent down to tie his shoelace and doing a poor job of stifling some whimpers of his own.