58-year-old Courtney Love was out and about Monday night, completely un-f--king-recognizable in a Red nylon dress and enough face-caulk to waterseal a bathtub.
"Wow, you're still alive?" her adoring fans called out from behind a Dumpster at 46th and Seventh. "How much for a half-and-half?"
"I have a job now," said Love. "I'm selling off my dead husband's legacy full-time, I'm paying off all my debt, and I am not the nasty junkie, ex-stripper that I used to be."
Sources said that Love is actually lobbying to be on Desperate Housewives: "Way-too-big fake boobs? Check. Lots of facial work done? Check. A total f--king psycho? Check. Over 50 and trying to convince the world that she's 30? Check!"
Even ex-boyfriend Edward Norton had nothing but nice things to say: "Too bad they can't plastic surgically repair the Hep-C damage to her liver. Or her soul. She still looks like she smells like pee."