"I have learned my lesson," cried the Number One Skank-burger of the 21st century Lindsay Lohan. "It is so much different for me, unlike the last time, and the time before that, and the time before that, and the time before that, and the time before that."
This is in response to the story broke on TMZ --which apparently is code for "we provoke the famous and broadcast the result"-- that Lindsay Lohan's probation ticket has been yanked, and a bench warrant issued for her arrest.
Lindsay Lohan settled her suit against E*Trade, who insinuated Lohan is a "milkaholic."
"I am not a milkaholic," said Lohan. "I drink only vodka, water, and what drips out of Samantha Ronson."
"My daughter's going to jail again?" asked Lindsay Lohan's father Michael Lohan. "I am going to write a song about it. It'll be called 'My Daughter Going To Jail Makes Me So Angry (I'm Gonna Punch My Girlfriend In The Face, Allegedly)'."
The move by Judge Elden Fox over Lohan's two failed drug tests --one for cocaine, one for whatever drug makes her look like thirty-nine-year-old crack addict who blows truckers at rest stops-- could land Lindsay in the Land Of Forced Cunnilingus for up to 30 days in jail for each failed drug test.
"I r so stoopid," Lohan Tweeted, obviously without the help of any of her lawyers. "I didunt meen to snort cocaine. I wuz walking with a rolld up 100 dolar bill in my nose, and i triped into a big pil of drugs."