Written by Doug Powers
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Wednesday, 11 May 2005

image for Rolling Stones '05 tour to feature debate on Social Security, no music
Richards to propose slashing Social Security on '05 tour?

Legendary band The Rolling Stones excited their fans this week after announcing a world tour to kick off in the United States this summer, but that excitement was to be short lived.

The anticipation soon waned as fans learned that the Stones tour would feature none of the band's music, but instead a round table debate on the Social Security issue.

Jagger, who is a former economics major, Richards, Watts, and Wood will take the stage this summer in behemoth stadiums, sit down, and discuss what should be done about Social Security.

"This is obviously an issue close to our hearts", said Stones front man Mick Jagger. "The show will still be a good one, mate. I'll still be strutting and stroking a giant phallus, but instead of singing 'Jumpin' Jack Flash', I'll be encouraging federal control over privatization."

Richards apparently disagreed, interrupting Jagger by saying "Muzza nifta mith za toozle reen phul" before falling face first into a bowl of clam chowder, extinguishing his trademark cigarette.

The Stones tour will coincide with the release of their new album, "Sticky Arthritic Fingers". The new CD will contain songs mostly focusing on the Social Security issue, and some on aging in general.

According the the band's website, the track list on "Sticky Arthritic Fingers" is as follows:

1) "It's only $376 a month (but I like it)"

2) "FICA's Little Helper"

3) "Let's Spend the Surplus Together"

4) "Green Sugar"

5) "19th Hip Breakdown"

6) "(I Can't Get No) Cost of Living Adjustment"

7) "Gimme Medicare"

8) "Waiting on a Friend to Lower the Retirement Age"

9) "Time Is Not On My Side"

10) "Sympathy for the Average Indexed Monthly Earnings"

11) "Honky Tonk Annuity"

The band's manager, Stu Frickman, claims that fans "won't be disappointed", despite the change in the structure of the concerts.

"If you've never seen the Stones before, you're in for a bloody surprise", said Frickman. "This could be their last tour that doesn't involve formaldehyde, so people are going to flock to see the boys discuss an important issue that will have an effect on generations to come."

The band arrived in Manhattan to announce the tour while riding in a limo surrounded by several police cars. Six of the police cars were escorting the band, and one had been trying to pull them over tell them their turn signal had been on for several miles.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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