Hollywood CA - Scooby-Doo, where are you? Velma Dinkley, Scooby-Doo's now ex-fiancee is asking that very question today as the most famous celebrity dog in TV history rocked Hollywood today by reneging on his engagement and scheduled wedding to Dinkley and announced he will instead exchange vows this coming Saturday in Las Vegas to the most famous runaway bride of all time, Jennifer Wilbanks.
"Jinkies, Doo! Come boy! Would you come back for a scooby snack? Ruh-uh? How about two scooby snacks? Row-kay! I love you so much...." sobbed the spurned braniac, who confessed that she was completely blind-sided by Scooby's abrupt about-face. "He said he needed to pee so I let him out - I didn't know he was going to Vegas to meet that nutty street trollop! What does she have that I don't have - other than the fact she actually resembles a woman?"
Wilbanks shocked the nation recently when she admitted that she skipped out on her wedding because she was confused and had cold feet, but the Swill has learned through reliable sources that not only did Wilbanks plan to go to Las Vegas, but she planned to meet Scooby-Doo all along, and when they did, the pee hit the tree and they instantly fell in puppy love.
"Jennifer has had a lifelong fascination with Scooby Doo - I just didn't think it was so out of control" bemoaned her former fiancé John Mason. " Gosh darn I guess I should have seen it coming."
Mason, showing obvious signs of fatigue and depression, even gave The Swill the exclusive details on Jennifer's three past shoplifting offenses in the 1990's that surfaced recently, which up until now only reported the dollar amounts of the thefts.
"$1740 was for the limited edition life-size Scooby plush toy with Working Wanker," wailed Mason. "We waited in line for 2 days! She insisted that it sleep between us at night., and I don't need to tell you which way his wanker was facing. The $98 was for the Complete Scooby Doo action figure set at FAO Schwartz. She made me wear my baggy pants that day to conceal the goods. Damn that was embarrasing when we got caught. And the $37? That patent leather Scooby Doo signed dog collar! Waaah! Now I know why she made me wear the collar to bed and say "Scooby Rooby Doo" every time she asked me if I loved her. She never let me shave the hair on my back either. All the clues were there - it was sooooo obvious and I am sooooo stupid. And all those damn Scooby Doo marathons we watched on TV…."
Accordingly to Scooby's best man Shaggy Rodgers, Scooby was intrigued with Wilbank's e-mail request to meet his #1 fan in "Sin City" and just planned to sign an autograph or two for her, but after meeting the lithe doe-eyed damsel in distress, hearing her teary-eyed story of being a cross country stray dog, accepting a two and a half hour belly rub and experiencing Wilbank's suppressed sexual energy first paw in an all night "howl at the moon would you like to see my scooby snatch you're incredibly flexible do you lick your privates because you can let's do it again doggie style is there any other way what a long tongue you have do you have a cigarette" session, the couple knew that they were doggone meant for each other.
The couple plans to reunite after Wilbank's self-imposed stay at an Atlanta Medical Treatment Center to sort things out, and contrary to reports that she will rethink matters and reunite with Mason, Wilbank's best friend Sarah West says that will not happen.
"Jenn just needs some rest", West claims, referring to Wilbank's return to Vegas, which will be her second Greyhound bus trip to Las Vegas in 2 weeks to meet up with her hirsute hound dog and get married in the $2,000 per night Royal Penthouse Suite at the Bellagio. "She may be confused about a lot of things" said West, "but marrying Scooby is a sure thing. I have never seen her this happy. Scooby is the bomb. I heard he's got four brothers. I'd sure like to meet one of them in a dark alley…."They're like the Baldwin brothers! - all of them are so handsome. Did you see Billy in Backdraft?"
Sightings of John Mason and Velma Dinkley holding hands at a recent Atlanta Braves home game could not be confirmed.