Local man, Martin Shuttlecock needed a stiff drink last night as what should have been a relaxing evening in with a good film and a couple of beers turned into a living nightmare.
"The wife brought this movie home called 'Piranha', which she'd bought under the counter for three quid from one of Ali Bullo's kebab vans in Basingstoke," he explained. "I thought it would be a David Attenbrough type thing about some fish in the Amazon with lots of lovely HD underwater footage," he explained.
But Shuttlecock was soon shaken out of his reverie as the movie unfolded. It transpired that the film 'Piranha' is in fact a horror movie about a holiday weekend at an Arizona lake.
Featuring a bevy of bikini clad young women cavorting about all over the shop before eventually being eaten by a big shoal of pirhanas. Which had escaped from an underground lake in an earth tremor.
He had no idea where the Amazon impinged on the story, if indeed it did.
"All of a sudden, these piranhas attacked these kids," he explained. "It was mayhem. Blood all over the place and tons of screeching and screaming. Then it cut to an underwater shot, and this severed dick just floated into view. I shudder to think what it must have looked like in 3D format. And then this piranha sort of zoomed out of the screen and gobbled it up. It was nauseating."
Shuttlecock, who couldn't stand to watch any more of this wanton gore had to lie down on the floor and take deep breaths as long suffering wife, Anne, administered a large brandy.
"You never used to get that sort of thing on 'Friday Night With Jonathan Ross,'" he complained.
More as we get it.