Tattooed butter-face Katherine Dumpkoff -- known to those with meth addictions and basic cable as Kat Von D-- says that she is "ashamed" to be dating Jesse James, and is ashamed as well of her Mexican and Argentinian heritage.
"Yeah, Von D is short for... well, nothing," said Dumpkoff. "I just relate so well to Nazis, I wanted to sound German."
Von D was classically trained in piano beginning at age 6? She particularly appreciates Ludwig van Beethoven, because, you know, he's, like, German or something. She has also guaranteed herself melanoma by tattooing herself with the emblems of The Misfits, HIM, Turbonegro, ZZ Top, Guns N' Roses, AC/DC, Slayer, Metallica, The Mars Volta, Selena (SEE! Mexican!) The Starlight Vocal Band, En Vogue, Selena Gomez (See! Again!!!), Moon Unit Zappa, Whitney Houston, and Dinah Shore.
Dumpkoff was born in Nuevo Leon, Mexico of parents born in Argentina. So, you know, she ain't white.*
"My father is German. Or maybe he knew a German person. Or maybe he just saw 'The Sound Of Music' a bunch of times," claimed Kat. "He always told me, 'be proud of your heritage', just before he went to work picking bananas. F--k that, I'll tattoo the Mexican out of me, if I have to."
Dumpkoff's former boyfriend, 70-something bassist Nikki Sixx, who plowed Katherine's non-white vagina for two-and-a-half years, told a reporter, "You know, it's hard when you were just told by someone you dated for that longs that you're the love of their life, and then they move on so quickly."
Nikki and Kat broke up back in January, and he definitely holds a grudge, calling Kat "patient zero" in Los Angeles' STD outbreak, allegedly, and insisted that he "wishes her uterus falls the f--k out."
"She doesn't even have a liver anymore," claims Sixx. "Jesse probably got Hep C from her the first time she talked to him on the phone. Allegedly. So, you know, Mazel-tov, f--ker."
Meanwhile, Sandra Bullock, Jesse's ex-wife, and easily the hottest chick he'll EVER see naked, laughed uproariously while diving into an Olympic-sized pool full of cash.
* Sorry, but I have no sympathy for anyone who tries to hide their race. I am proud to be Italian, Puerto Rican and 428 other nationalities. So, f--k you Kat, f--k you Charlie Sheen (real name Carlos Estevez), and a big, special f--k you to Blonde, Blue-Contact-Lens-Wearing Jessica Alba.