One of Hollywood's most eligible bachelors will officially be pronounced "taken" this Saturday when it was announced at a press conference held today that the beloved Scooby-Doo and his co-star Velma Dinkley will be wed at Grauman's Chinese Theater.
"Scooby is just so hot" - exclaimed an anonymous friend close to the future bride. "What woman wouldn't be attracted to a tall dark haired man of few words and a long tongue?
After the drooling nuptials, the couple plans to borrow the Mystery Machine, head to an undisclosed off-leash area for a well deserved potty break and then zoom off to a secret honeymoon spot known only to the couple. Rumors that they have been invited to pee on the tallest tree in the world, the 367' high Medocino tree in Ukiah, California to fulfill Scooby's lifelong dream are unsubstantiated.
Contrary to most celebrity romances today that become tabloid fodder due to the plethora of media maniacs who make their living on providing satellite trash on an hourly basis, it was a complete surprise for all, including friends and family of the couple, who had no idea that the studly canine had the hots for his androgenous and brainy gal-pal.
Freddie Jones, the self-proclaimed leader of the Mystery Inc. gang, whose crime fighting abilities are world reknown, had only good things to say about the couple, saying "they make a great couple - Scooby's the smartest dog in the world, Velma's the smartest girl in the world, and Scooby's no Brad Pitt and Velma is no Jessica Simpson so it's a great match - it's a hung jury on who the bigger dog is, but let's let sleeping dogs lie - I guess all the years of bribing Scooby to do her bidding with Scooby snacks has paid off for Velma.."
Scooby's best friend and fellow gastronomist in crime Shaggy Rodgers, was stunned by the announcement and pulled no punches on his state of mind. "ZOINKS! I can't believe Scoobs is going to this," a tearful Shaggy squealed, "we've been best buds forever. Now he's going to tie the knot. I don't know what I'm going to do - I may have to give Lassie a call and tell her to give me one more chance. I love Velma and all, but she's just going to treat him like a dog. He can do more than just sit, stay, and fetch - she better treat him right! Give me liberty or give me pizza pie."
When Velma was asked how this union will affect the dynamics of their elite crime fighting team, which has lassoed criminals from coast to coast, she calmly replied, "Some people feel strongly that our marriage will doom our team, but I am sure we can work it out. "Doo" and I are very much in love and we are certainly into heavy petting in our private life, but on the job it's business as unusual - he will be treated like a dog, no more, no less. Of course he needs to clean up his own poop from now on."
When asked about Scooby's past romantic ties to Daisy Dog (of Dagwood and Blondie), Hello Kitty and the Power Puff Girls, Velma shrugged them off, exclaiming, "Get a clue - those were just flings and they were make-believe - I'm a real woman!" Velma proceeded to disappear in a huff when posed the notion that she too was make-believe.
Interviewed at his palatial 6,500 square foot brick dog house in Beverly Hills, Scooby snarfed scooby snacks and slurped water from his 24k gold toilet, seemingly unaffected by the typical Peter Pan syndrome that normally strikes bachelors shortly before their wedding day. When asked what attracted him to Velma, of all people, Scooby merely pointed to his 500 cubic foot box of scooby snacks, piped "Rooby Dooby Doo", played dead and shook everyone's hand. He then proceeded to laugh uncontrollably before spending the rest of the interview session licking his privates.