Written by anthonyrosania
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Topics: Death

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

image for Puffy Homosexual From Beetlejuice Finally Dies: No, Not Catherine O'Hara...
"It's 6 foot, 7 foot, 8 foot bunch..." Don't get it? No biggie, it wasn't funny.

Gravity exacted the universe's revenge on gihugic knob-gobbler Glenn Shadix, who creeped out anyone that ever saw him, by accelerating his noggin into the floor of his Birmingham, Alabama (!) home, killing him.

Shadix began embarrassing his parents on April 15, 1952. By 1965, he realized that (spoiler alert!) he's gay. In fact, Shadix began electro-convulsive therapy in a feeble, desperate and, alas, doomed attempt to make him straight.

The procedure, called "Look At A C-ck And I'll Taser Your 'Nads", was discontinued in 1977 after a study concluded that all it did was singe the ball hair of gay kids.

Did You Know?

That John Travolta is definitely not gay?

In 2007, after spending thirty years in Los Angeles, he returned to his native Bessemer, Alabama --because, you know, Alabama is the epicenter of tolerance-- where he purchased a Victorian home.

The Lord Jesus Christ -- who, I'm told, condemns all homosexuals to an eternity in Hell-- smoted the house with fire on December 13, 2008: Merry Christmas, deviant!

Shadix had roles in such dreck as Heathers, Demolition Man, and whatever Tim Burton was defiling movie screens with in the late 1980s and early 90s.

Scores of Hollywood-types spoke out about Shadix:

"He was the dad in Beetlejuice, right? The one who digs kiddie-porn?" asked convicted felon Winona Ryder. "He's weird."

Even closeted homosexuals were mortified to be of the same sexual preference as Shadix:

"What a super queen," said one gay actor, while gassing up the 747 he keeps at his own private airport. "The gayest thing I ever did, besides fellating Nic when we were filming Face/Off, was to star in Hairspray. Do straight men even know that movie exists?"

Shadix will be cremated and his ashes given to the man he married. Because, you know, he was gay and all.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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